The Mash guide to being a dickhead on trains

ARE you bored of sitting quietly on trains and fancy being a pain in the arse instead? Read our guide to causing maximum annoyance.

Force other people to talk to you. Not the odd quip about the weather – interrogate them with invasive questions like “Where are you going?”, “What are you doing there?” and “Are you married?”.

Alternatively, tell them about some tedious personal drama, for example, how you lent your cousin £80 to buy a lawnmower and now he wants to deduct petrol money for the time he drove you to Llandudno.

Explore the space around you. Try going to sleep across three seats as if you’re some sort of hibernating mammal.

If you’re with a friend, sit on opposite sides but facing each other, so that your limbs almost block the aisle. Say ‘sorry, sorry’ as other passengers awkwardly squeeze past but in a way that clearly indicates they are the ones at fault.

Keep your phone at maximum volume and take loads of calls. Get a particularly annoying ringtone, for example a cartoon mouse shouting “EH GRINGO!”.

If you are a toddler, make sure you play a loud and repetitive tablet game throughout the journey. Anything with bells or farmyard noises will annoy the fuck out of people.

If you’ve ever been in prison, definitely tell a fellow passenger about it. They will love sitting with a complete stranger who could be a serial killer.

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‘Did I throw up in a pumpkin last night?’ asks bleary-eyed eight-year-old

AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD has woken up in a tattered skeleton outfit surrounded by Swizzels wrappers with a vague memory of being sick in a jack-o’-lantern. 

Joseph Turner admitted the last thing he can remember is shotgunning a tube of Smarties while dancing to Thriller, and that he has a terrible feeling he behaved rather badly.

He continued: “Urgh. Pretty sure that taste in back of my throat means I was mixing Haribo and Maltesers. I’ll pay for that.

“I promised myself I’d show some restraint this year, but it’s almost like I start buzzing as the bucket fills up and once I get triple-dropping the chocolate eyeballs, I’m gone.

“At some point I was definitely running in circles screaming ‘Trick or treat! Trick or treat!’ while holding a flashing, I dunno, wizard’s staff or something. I have no idea. I was basically out of my mind by that point.

“Uh-oh, there’s the pumpkin out in the garden and somebody sure filled that thing up. That is disgusting. Never again. Seriously, never again.

“What’s this in my pocket? Double Lolly. Okay, just until the shakes stop.”