The Mash Guide to Buying a Secret Santa Present

It’s Secret Santa time at the office, as if things weren’t already bad enough.

 You’ve just pulled the name ‘Dave Jarvis’ out of a hat. You have no idea who he is, but now you’ve got to spend some money on him.

But Secret Santa is more than just a sad travesty of fun. It’s an opportunity to ‘showcase your personality’ to your work colleagues. Because like everything that happens at work, it’s a thinly-veiled opportunity for personal advancement.

Here’s a few gifts guaranteed to impress at the communal unwrapping ceremony:

A laserdisc of the Kevin Costner film No Way Out (£1?)

Nothing screams originality like a mediocre mid-80s Kevin Costner political thriller on a redundant format the size of a tray.

A mirror with ‘Each Day I Die a Little More’ engraved on it (£19.99)

Literally everyone who works in an office can relate to this, which is what makes this constant reminder of one’s mortality so versatile.

Battery-powered ‘Cold Turkey’ (£12.99)

Turkey toy that talks like it’s coming off heroin, says things like ‘Me bones are grinding together’ and ‘Fetch me a fucking bucket, quick’.

An amount of scrambled egg (Ingredients 30p-80p)

The spongy, damp texture of this gift really keeps them guessing. When it’s unwrapped – voila, some egg.

‘A Technical Guide to Anal Sex’ book by Stephen Malley (£9.99)

Erotica is big this year, but this sex book with diagrams also appeals to the more practical ‘Haynes manual’ demographic.

A chair from the office (Free)

Always useful, although the distinctive shape makes it hard to wrap without giving the game away.

‘Stroke any dog for ten minutes’ voucher (Free)

Make this gift yourself simply by writing the above sentence on some paper. The recipient can then present it to any dog owner, most of whom will agree to let their pet be stroked because they will be scared.

An actual working time machine (Expensive)

Difficult to get hold of but no one would complain.

An empty cardbox box with ‘FUCK CAPITALISM?!?’ written on it (Free)

Show everyone you are the Banksy of the office, sticking it to the man. Also it will become valuable if you become famous either for your art or doing a murder.



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3D printers 'a total pile of shit'

THREE-dimensional printers are obviously a complete waste of time, it has emerged.

As ‘crowd-funding’ website Kickstarter was sued for its promotion of a 3D printer, experts said the technology may be the stupidest, most over-hyped piece of shit since 3D films.

Technologist Tom Logan  said: “They are great if what you really want is an intricate lump of plastic.

“So by all means, print a scale model of a hobbit. And then paint it. And then be proud of yourself.

“Have you seen the printed ‘bike’? It’s actually worse than the first bike ever made. Imagine what riding it could do to your balls.

“The thing about a bike is that the tyres need to be made from something that is not as hard as the thing you used to make the handlebars.

“What you’ve got there is a statue of a bike.”

He added: “I can’t wait for the 3D film that is basically just CGI representations of things made by a 3D printer. And I sense James Cameron may be way ahead of me.”

But Logan admitted that 3D printers could change everything, as long as we all want to live in a world where only eight people have a job and we all want to buy things that are not very good.