A five-point guide to Christmas party avoidance

DON’T fancy making inane chat with morons in stupid hats? Spend the festive season like the hermit you really are with these foolproof party excuses.

I’m feeling a bit under the weather

A solid excuse, as ‘under the weather’ can be interpreted as anything from minor cold to medium level emotional breakdown and most people will be too embarrassed to ask for details. If they do, just start crying.

It’s bad enough spending every working hour with you, you swarm of idiot bastards

If this goes down badly, simply dismiss it as ‘bants’ and accuse them of not being able to take a fun joke.

I’m on tag for blowing up a cashpoint

Electronic tags that restrict your movement are such a solid excuse that it’s worth doing a serious crime just to get one. Failing that, a Variety Pack box of Frosties painted silver then strapped to your leg with elastic bands looks convincing.

I have to take care of the kids that night

If the reply is ‘But you haven’t got any kids’, stare at them until they feel uncomfortable and then whisper ‘That’s what you think’.

I can’t be fucked

The ultimate excuse, unbeatable in its simple, elegant logic. Best delivered before the inviter has even finished their sentence. Just cut them off at ‘Would you like -’ by holding up a hand in a stop gesture. And if asked why you can’t be fucked, just reply ‘I’m Santa, and I’ve got a shitload of presents to deliver’.

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Five resentment-packed gifts that say 'I regret signing up for Secret Santa'

UNINSPIRED gift ideas for those who wish to God they’d never agreed to do Secret Santa.

Secret Santa always seems like such a great idea when you’re high on festive cheer and that line of coke you did to get you through a meeting about fiscal responsibility.

Now you’re faced with having to buy a meaningful gift for Phillip from accounts, with whom you’ve had a single conversation about the broken light in the disabled toilet.

Here are five totally uncreative gift ideas that say: ‘I’ve put no thought into this whatsoever and I could have spent that fiver on someone I actually know.’

Generic mug

A mug is a great way for the recipient to get hot drinks into their mouth, and unlike a cock ring it has no uncomfortable sexual subtext.

Three pack of Primark boxer shorts

Coming in a fetching array of grid-like patterns, these budget boxer shorts are the perfect gift for any man with a groin, or for a female recipient who would smile at the inference that she has a penis.

A sock with googly eyes stuck on it

When is a sock a craft project? When it has googly eyes stuck on it. Then it’s ‘Socko’ or ‘Mr Sock’, a faithful nylon friend who tragically lost his partner in a washing machine accident.

Catering size bag of Basmati rice

’Ooh it’s heavy,’ they’ll say. ‘I wonder what it is.’ Perhaps it’s a jumper or a nice coat from River Island? No, it’s a massive bag of rice.

Anal beads

Saucy and perhaps a little flirty, it’s a string of latex beads to be inserted into the recipient’s rectum during sex. A brilliantly broad-minded way to celebrate the birth of Christ.