The Mash guide to claiming benefits

MORE and more people are now excluded from claiming benefits, so how exactly do you qualify? Read our guide:

— Applicants for housing benefit must attend a joint interview with their house. If your house does not attend its assessment interview on time, benefits will be sanctioned.

— Claimants with university degrees must attend a six-week course at the School of Hard Knocks. If injured, they will not be eligible for incapacity benefit.

— If your BMI is under 18.5 then you are too weak to work and will be sanctioned unless registered as of Exceptional Natural Beauty.

— Applicants who have failed to complete a minimum of two six-month internships with City financial institutions will be refused benefits, because they are obviously not trying.

— If you have a friend-with-benefits relationship you are not entitled to any other benefits, and any benefits received during the period must be repaid.

— Are you a heavy smoker who has never worked a day in your life with hordes of filthy children you expect the state to pay for? Then you are eligible for benefits of up to £10,000 a month if you commit to three national media appearances per week.

— Anyone with a criminal record, unpaid debts, impure thoughts or a moral character that prevent the claimant from stepping off the wheel of karma into nirvana is ineligible for benefits.