The Mash guide to internet passwords

THE password to all your money is probably your surname or dog’s name with ’01’ after it.

Most Britons lack the tiny amount of imagination required to think up a credible password. Here’s the Mash guide to protecting your cyber-assets:

It’s too easy to guess a password if it’s the name of something you love, like your partner or your favourite sandwich. Instead use as your password something that you fucking hate, like your ex-partner or his dog that you ran over.

If you must use something you love, choose something that nobody knows about your passion for, like your favourite actor in early 90s erotic thrillers. Actually, that’s perfect. Everyone just use Shannon Tweed.

Instead of using an easily guessable string of numbers like 123456, use something complicated and difficult to work out, like the square root of 15,241,383,936.

Alternatively 5318008 upside-down on a calculator spells BOOBIES.

The most secure passwords are mnemonics, where the initial letters of a phrase spell it out. Prince Acting Super-Sexy Won’t Orally Reciprocate, Damn is a pretty unbreakable one.

Choose a nine-letter word, jumble it up, and replace four of the letters with numbers that multiplied together make 334. Although this won’t stop Rachel Riley off Countdown’s persistent attempts to hack your Gmail account.

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Facebook exodus begins

YOUNG people have begun leaving Facebook in the hope of finding a better virtual life elsewhere.

The exodus, which has grown from a trickle to a flood, has no clear destination in mind but dreams of a social network where comforting platitudes are not so easily shared.

18-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “Somewhere out there, somewhere through the malware-infested data mountains of the darknet, is a place where we can be together and communicate without being asked to click on an optical illusion.

“A place where we don’t face condemnation for not Liking a made-up story about a made-up kid with cancer, where our employers can’t see how drunk we were last night.

“It will be a long, difficult dangerous journey, but it needs to be so our parents can’t follow us.”