The Mash guide to keeping warm this winter

Follow the tips below for the best chance of re-emerging blinking into the sunlight in six months’ time:

Get fat
A good, thick layer of subcutaneous fat will make sure you’re toasty all through the winter months and provide an energy reserve for when you can’t afford food. Start gorging on pies now.

Get drunk
Drinking spirits like whiskey and gin can make you feel warm. In fact alcohol causes blood vessels to dilate, lowering core body temperature. Or not. But whatever, you still feel warm.

Work harder
Too cold at home? Most employers will let you stay on at work as long as you continue being useful, for no extra charge.

Look intimidating
If you’re worried about your annual heating bills, put on a jumper. If you put on a hoodie, you are either too young to worry about heating bills or too old to wear a hoodie.

Listen to warm music
Listening to the right music will give a psychological feeling of warmth. Try The Heat Is On by Glenn Frey, Hot In The City by Billy Idol, Disco Inferno by The Trammps or Blowtorch Slaughter by Cannibal Corpse.

Smoke cigarettes
Smoke indoors, because every winter several hundred people go outside for a fag and almost immediately freeze to death. Also a lit cigarette is a small fire, so encourage your children to gather around it and warm their tiny hands.

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'Living each day like it's your last' an incredibly stupid idea

BEHAVING as if you are going to die tomorrow will lead to humiliating and possibly deadly situations, experts have warned.

For decades tattoos, Hollywood films and people at backpackers’ hostels have recommended living every day like it is your last.

However 31-year-old office worker Tom Logan said: “There’s this girl in marketing I’ve always liked, but I was scared she was out of my league. Then I watched the film Point Break on cable and decided to ‘live in the moment’.

“I approached her in front of the whole team and said ‘there’s something I need to tell you’, then I grabbed her, leaned her backwards like in those pictures of returning American GIs and kissed her fully on the lips.

“Now I’m getting done for sexual harassment. I’ve lost my job and the local paper has labelled me a sex pest. I should add that this happened yesterday. Today is today, I am still very much alive, just having a total nightmare.”

28-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I punched my line manager and drove a sports car into a river, because, well, carpe diem. Now I am going to prison for two years, where I will continue to live on the edge but in a less fun way.”

Philosopher Mary Fisher said: “People should live every day like they’re going to be alive for the remainder of their natural life span.

“It’s obvious really.”