The Mash guide to public speaking

DELIVERING a speech or presentation is many humans’ greatest fear.

Even Michael Bay, who directs popular shit films, was recently overwhelmed with stage fright while promoting a television that bends.

Here’s how to successfully address a room:

Build rapport by telling the audience something personal about you, for example how you killed a man in Belgium and hid his body in a lorry depot.

Correct body language suggests status and confidence. Lie in the centre of the stage and curl into the fetal position. Then you can command the room, like a commanding foetus.

Imagine your audience naked. Better still, imagine them naked and living in a network of underground caverns ruled over by merciless robot overlords called mandroids.

Carry a matchbox pet in your breast pocket, for example a grasshopper. It’ll give you a sense of companionship, also you can talk to it, building anticipation by asking the box questions like “Do you think they’re ready for the first quarter sales figures, Mr Feelers?”

Take regular sips from a glass of your own urine, which is known to cleanse the liver.

Warm up the crowd with some light bullying of audience members with distinguishing physical features. Also if you forget bits of your speech you can simply turn to your victim and ask ‘You still here, wonky eye man?’ in a snidey voice.

If it’s going badly, use up your time allowance by individually offering everyone in the room a Malteser.

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Granny tastes of death, confirm kids

GRANDCHILDREN have confirmed that kissing elderly relatives is like putting your mouth against a crypt.

Youngsters have spoken out in support of government advice that they should not be forced to kiss their grandparents.

Eight-year-old Tom Logan said: “Granny’s skin is thin and crinkly like an Egyptian scroll.

“After kissing her cheek I have to use a toothbrush on my lips because of the dead person taste.”

Logan’s stepfather Roy Hobbs said: “We always encourage him to give granny a peck on the cheek when saying goodbye.

“Of course there’s no way I’d do that, the very thought of it makes me nauseous.”