Libraries still empty

BRITAIN’S libraries have been unaffected by the January rush for self-improvement, say librarians.

As gyms erect temporary structures to contain the influx of people terrified of their own mortality, the wisdom of the ages remains unborrowed on shelves across the country.

Librarian Nikki Hollis said: “While people are determined to lose that flap of flab nobody but them can even notice, they seem less concerned about spending the rest of their lives being ferociously stupid.

“Mens sana in corpore sano, as absolutely none of the people currently eating a salad would say.”

Office manager Mary Fisher said: “I’ve got to shift the Christmas chub so I can feel good about myself and ultimately leave my husband for a richer man.

“Someone at Weightwatchers said that reading makes your brain grow bigger. And a fat brain could really throw me off my targets.

“Telly gives me all the mental stimulation I need.”

Salesman Tom Booker said: “This year I’ve promised to get muscles and do that thing where you race through mud while snarling.

“Someone told me my local library was a mental gym, but that was contradicted when I got thrown out for bench-pressing a stack of encyclopaedias.”

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Shoppers urged to buy shit British vegetables instead

THE government is calling on shoppers to source more of their pointless, dreadful food from British farmers.

Environment secretary Owen Patterson said there was no need for Britain to import 40% of its fruit and vegetables when there was plenty of tasteless, watery rubbish being mass-produced on your doorstep.

Pointing at a bucket of tomatoes, he added: “It doesn’t matter where these are from, we all know they are going to be absolutely appalling. So why are you pissing your money up a Dutch wall?

“There are some very nice people in this country producing tomatoes in the sort of climate that does not produce good tomatoes. Help them.”

Mr Patterson then took a large bite out of a Welsh mango and burst into tears.