The Mash Guide to Travelling in Snow

THE key to travelling in snow is preparation, and a willingness to eat human flesh.

According to Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies: “The important thing to remember, if you are forced to pull in, is that the warmest place in the car is under the bonnet. Use spanners to remove your car’s engine then climb inside, getting into the foetal position.”

Snow travel checklist:

Raw meat

Not only is raw meat an essential source of protein, if you rub it on your face and hands it leaves a layer of grease that will protect your skin from wind-chafing. Keep a bin bag full of uncooked meat in your boot.


Snowy conditions bring out highwaymen, brigands and carnivores attracted by your bag of meat. If any large organism approaches your stationary vehicle wave your blade and shout, ‘I’ve got a sword and I’ll cut your fucking head off’.

Crisps (Beef)

Beef crisps are another excellent source of protein. The packet also serves as a distress signal if you fill it with air then stamp on it.


A magnification device is useful for checking whether all snowflakes are indeed unique.

A sense of romance

According to data for motoring organisations, 64% of drivers lack a basic sense of romance and adventure.

One of those giant kangaroo things from Empire Strikes Back

Not everyone has access to a tauntaun but if you live in the Star Wars universe they are the ultimate snow vehicle. Unless you are riding a female one that’s in season and there’s a group of male tauntauns around, in which case it’s a nightmare.


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Lottery price rise 'an unfair tax on the stupid'

DOUBLING the cost of a lottery ticket to £2 represents a tax on idiots, it has been claimed.

The National Lottery targets stupid people through adverts in which a pretend millionaire of ambiguous nationality goes on speedboats.

Gambling expert Roy Hobbs said: “Stupid, gullible people have got enough on their plates just trying to open doors and use cutlery.

“They don’t need tawdry dream-vendors putting them under the additional pressure of having to spend twice as much cash on what is probably not a ticket to their dreams.”

The lottery has also been described as a ‘tax on the poor’.

However IQ tester Nikki Hollis said: “The words ‘poor’ and ‘thick’ are not interchangeable.

“A quick glance at BBC Parliament reveals plenty of affluent people with shit for brains.”

Meanwhile, Camelot said that doubling the price will double your chances of winning the jackpot.

A spokesman said: “A lot of angry people contacted us saying they would be okay as long it meant they had twice as many chances and we said, ‘yeah, sure it does, whatever’.

“They were very excited by this and it would be wrong of us to make them all angry again.”