THE superhero event movie of the decade is here, but who the fuck are all these people and what the fuck are they doing?’
IRON MAN (Robert Downey Jr): Remember 100 years ago when these movies started? When they were fun, and you didn’t have to go through a checklist of all the other movies before you could see this one? This guy’s from back then. Probably dies soon.
STAR-LORD (Chris Pratt): Literally just a dude, which was fine when he was co-starring with aliens in his own movie but makes him entirely redundant here. Watch as he repeatedly excuses himself from battles to mess around on his phone.
BLACK PANTHER (Chadwick Boseman): One of only three black characters, Black Panther is the one who isn’t a sidekick.
BLACK WIDOW (Scarlett Johansson): Major movie star and sex symbol Scarlett Johansson has a recurring minor role just so these films don’t seem completely like teenage boys’ homoerotic fantasies. Which they are, and she knows it, and so do you.
THANOS (Josh Brolin): The bad guy of these films will be unfamiliar to anyone who skips the post-credits scenes of Marvel movies. If you know him, congratulations for finally reaping the reward of watching text you’re not interested in. For an hour.
BATMAN (Ben Affleck): Batman is from a different universe and should not be in this movie, but he turned up on set in like the full outfit and it was totes awkward and nobody could quite tell him and so he just ended up in it. Embarrassing.
THOR (Chris Hemsworth): All the other gods totally look down on Thor for being in these films. It’s like reality TV to them. Hercules does this hilarious impression of him.
JACOB REES-MOGG (Jacob Rees-Mogg): Taking his unique brand of antiquated villainy global, Rees-Mogg plays Thanos’s evil assistant. Gets killed with a magic spanner.