'I am launching a Facebook Fundraiser to remind you I'm nice'

I HAVE always believed that raising money for some charity or other is so important.

But I’m also worried that some of my friends may have forgotten how nice I am.

In recent weeks I’ve noticed some right twats earning brownie points and admiring comments through Facebook Fundraisers and I decided that I wanted a piece of that action.

I am launching the fundraiser just before my birthday so I can say: “I don’t want anything for my birthday – please just give some money to stroke research, or mental health, or something like that.”

Hopefully I’ll get a 20 percent year-on-year increase in birthday messages, and if I can raise a hundred quid for whatever thing is in the news that week that would be a lovely bonus.

I may even get an affectionate message from a woman I can then ask out for a drink.

It’s just so nice to be nice.

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Britain demands obesity study that says it's fine

BRITAIN has admitted it is sick of studies linking obesity with poor health and would like one with a more positive outlook.

As yet another major study linked obesity – on a sliding scale – with disease, death and poor sexual prospects, Britain’s 19m overweight people have asked when it is their turn for good news.

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “Boozers are always getting headlines about how a bottle of red a week’s wonderful for the heart. Salt and statins have one story recommending them for every two saying they kill you.

“But for those of us with a healthy appetite it’s relentless gloom. Only filthy, horrid smokers have it worse.”

He added: “Let’s see a headline that says ‘Fat people friendlier’. Or ‘Obesity makes you float better’.

“Or what about ‘People who do loads of exercise always getting injured’.”