'I am launching a Facebook Fundraiser to remind you I'm nice'

I HAVE always believed that raising money for some charity or other is so important.

But I’m also worried that some of my friends may have forgotten how nice I am.

In recent weeks I’ve noticed some right twats earning brownie points and admiring comments through Facebook Fundraisers and I decided that I wanted a piece of that action.

I am launching the fundraiser just before my birthday so I can say: “I don’t want anything for my birthday – please just give some money to stroke research, or mental health, or something like that.”

Hopefully I’ll get a 20 percent year-on-year increase in birthday messages, and if I can raise a hundred quid for whatever thing is in the news that week that would be a lovely bonus.

I may even get an affectionate message from a woman I can then ask out for a drink.

It’s just so nice to be nice.

Britain demands obesity study that says it's fine

BRITAIN has admitted it is sick of studies linking obesity with poor health and would like one with a more positive outlook.

As yet another major study linked obesity – on a sliding scale – with disease, death and poor sexual prospects, Britain’s 19m overweight people have asked when it is their turn for good news.

Bill McKay, from Peterborough, said: “Boozers are always getting headlines about how a bottle of red a week’s wonderful for the heart. Salt and statins have one story recommending them for every two saying they kill you.

“But for those of us with a healthy appetite it’s relentless gloom. Only filthy, horrid smokers have it worse.”

He added: “Let’s see a headline that says ‘Fat people friendlier’. Or ‘Obesity makes you float better’.

“Or what about ‘People who do loads of exercise always getting injured’.”