THE election is coming, you haven’t been listening and are deeply confused about what to do.
Our simple questionnaire will reveal the party that best caters to your stereotypical personality.
The Daily Mash Who to Vote For Test
What is your favourite animal?
1 Hostile monkeys that kill each other with big sticks.
2 Nice monkeys that cuddle and wank each other off.
3 Sea cucumber or a bit of coral.
4 A solidly-built fresian cow.
What is your favourite meal?
1 A nine course tasting menu with wine, or just the wine followed by some drink-driving.
2 Tapas, or the Iceland equivalent thereof.
3 Shallow fried yams and an oblong of curd.
4 A roast dinner (carvery, not a fancy one with organic vegetables and all that bullshit).
What is your favourite film?
1 That one where Michael Caine kills those little chav bastards.
2 Local Hero or a Richard Curtis-type comedy with sad bits.
3 Koyaanisqatsi and its sequel as a fun double bill.
4 Any On The Buses or Carry On… film, or the uncut version of The Dambusters where the dog has a racist name.
Which of these dreams sounds most familiar?
1 Something depraved involving Deborah Meaden on a leopard rug.
2 Wandering alone in a strange futuristic world where you have no discernible identity.
3 Dolphins swimming around in harmony, then bad men with harpoons come and you wake up in a cold sweat.
4 Going on a samurai sword rampage because of poor service in a tea shop.
What is your favourite book?
1 The most recent Top Gear Christmas book.
2 Tony Parsons’ Man and Boy.
3 Jonathan Livingstone Seagull or anything printed on recycled paper.
4 Churchill’s History of the English-Speaking Peoples, or a 90s adventure book about submarines.
Mostly 1s: You are a Conservative or a serial killer.
Mostly 2s: You are a Labour voter. Good luck with that.
Mostly 3s: Vote Green, but for Christ’s sake don’t tell anyone.
Mostly 4s: Just put your claw mark where it says UKIP.