The morning routine of not very successful people

WOULD you love to start your day like a highly successful person as long as it doesn’t interfere with your morning shit? 

Do you want to be more productive in the morning but just cannot be arsed? Try this routine:

Set your alarm earlier, then when it goes off shout ‘FUCK YOU!’. Eventually, drag yourself out of bed at the usual time in a really bad mood.

Practice mindfulness by sitting on the toilet for 45 minutes dicking about on Twitter and thinking about how crap your life is.

Think about going for a run. Think about it a bit more. Then sit and list all the reasons why you can’t possibly go for a run until it is too late to go for a run because it is now time for work.

Stand in the shower until you decide that Radox invigorating body wash is full of shit.

Plan to start the day with something healthy, vegan  and gluten-free before pushing a jam-filled Yum-Yum into your still half-asleep face.

Make a mug of detoxifying hot water, lime and ginger, then take two sips before saying ‘fuck this bollocks’ and injecting yourself with Nescafe.


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Man who likes 'nights in, nights out' absolutely cleans up on dating site

A MAN who likes both ‘nights in’ and ‘nights out’ is absolutely storming it on a dating site.

Stephen Malley, 29, said: “I just put ‘nights in, nights out’ under the section marked ‘interests’ and my inbox just started blowing up.

“I had started to type out a lengthy explanation of how I like spending time with friends, say in a bar or resturant, but then I thought ‘hang on I also like being at home’.

“To begin with I was concerned that women might be put off by a man with such a complex duality. But now I’m glad that I decided to be honest.”

He added: “My inbox is completely full – and not just with women saying ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’. There are offers of marriage, people wanting to hook-up immediately – all of it accompanied by language that I would describe as ‘sexually aggressive’.”

Nikki Hollis, one of the woman who messaged Malley, said: “If there’s one thing I find irresistibly hot, it’s lack of detail.”