The scientifically illiterate person's guide to flu

WITH the flu season upon us it’s important to be prepared with plenty of unscientific advice. Here’s the sort of rubbish your mum comes out with.

The main cause of flu is wet hair
Going out with wet hair is a guaranteed way to get flu. Thoroughly dry it with both a towel and hair dryer and you’ll be safe on even the most crowded bus full of sniffling wrecks.

Vitamin C is flu’s worst enemy
Vitamin C makes you invulnerable to flu, so have at least 150 vitamin pills a day. Also take three carrier bags of oranges into work and sit at your desk peeling them all day.

Don’t have a flu jab
Only an idiot would try to prevent flu by injecting themselves with flu. It’s like curing a broken arm by breaking your leg. These doctors must be laughing all the way to the bank. It’s also well known that flu jabs are full of mercury, strychnine and mind-control drugs. A fortnight in bed suffering horribly is better than being a zombie for the rest of your life.

Use traditional remedies
Tried-and-tested flu products are just a scam by ‘big pharma’. Make a natural cure from hot water, sage and foxglove, or indeed anything that sounds as if it was recommended by a medieval witch.

Boost your immune system with meat
A hearty meat-based meal such as steak with chunky chips or a big chicken-and-mushroom pie feels as if it’s good for you, so it must be. The flu virus is also known to be susceptible to gravy.

Demand antibiotics
Don’t take any shit from your GP and get plenty of antibiotics. They’ll cure the flu in no time because they’re ‘anti’ things and ‘biotic’, which sounds like ‘bionic’.

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Man who saw speck of snow buys 23 pints of milk just in case

A MAN who saw what he believed to be a snowflake has started stockpiling food as if he lives in the Antarctic rather than Chelmsford.

Martin Bishop had just arrived home from work when he looked out the window and saw something falling from the sky. He immediately became hysterical and started shouting at his wife to check how many toilet rolls they had left.

Bishop said: “I have to get to the supermarket as soon as possible. It will be too dangerous to drive, so I’ll take the kids’ sledge so I can pull everything back across the drifts which are sure to pile up whilst I’m gone.

“I’ll buy milk, bread, bottled water and at least 20 tins of baked beans, but there’s no denying it’s going to be tough. If we end up eating the guinea pig it’ll be hard on the kids, but they’ll thank me soon enough.”

Bishop’s wife Nikki said: “I’m pretty sure what Martin saw was a feather, but at least he’ll be out for an hour or so.”