Do you want everything to go back to the 1950s, or why the f**k not?

POSH accents on the television, policemen greeting you by name and a cheery tip of the helmet, lovely days out in the Morris Traveller.

But do you want Britain to return to its 1950s glory days, or are you some kind of modern bastard?

Where would you ideally get your butter? 

A) From the supermarket? Where else? A buttery?
B) From the butchers every Tuesday, you have to queue but a lovely big block lasts a whole seven days as long as you don’t mind it being rancid for the last three

What is the biggest issue facing the world today? 

A) Climate change
B) Men ceasing to wear hats, leaving them with nothing to doff to a lady

How do you feel about our brethren with darker skin? 

A) Wow. Even the question is racist
B) Our Commonwealth friends are tireless supporters of Britain, and love the Queen even more than we do!

What should you keep in mind when buying goods? 

A) Look, I was born in 1978. I don’t even remember the 50s and can’t return to them, because I was never there
B) Buy British-made

Should hangings be broadcast live on the BBC for the edification of the nation? 

A) The fuck?
B) Schools in particular should be compelled to watch, so youths cannot claim ignorance when they turn to crime


Mostly As: You are not in tune with the direction of Britain. It would be best if you left.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations. The only thing you will miss about the years 1960-2019 is Inspector Morse. 

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If anyone else acted like that I'd just call them a dick, admits mother of small child

A WOMAN whose toddler threw his breakfast at the cat is struggling to tell him off in a constructive way.

Francesca Johnson is aware that disciplining children requires being firm, calm and consistent, but admits that sometimes she would like to tell her son Oliver to stop being a dick.

Johnson said: “If one of my friends came to my house and emptied a bag of self-raising flour into the downstairs toilet and then laughed in my face, I’d be like ‘what the fuck are you playing at, you total bellend?’.

“I know he’s just a child and it’s a developmental stage and he’ll grow out of it, but unfortunately my husband is also a total pain in the arse so I do feel like I’m surrounded.”

Oliver added: “It’s not a developmental stage. I’m a dick.”