The spending diary of a millennial who doesn't live in London and therefore doesn't matter

CAN millennials really afford a deposit just by ditching the mochachinos and avocado toast? We asked one to keep a spending diary, but it wasn’t one who lives in London and works in the media so the entire thing was a waste of time.

Still, since we did it, here’s the spending diary of 26-year-old Tom Logan who lives in Preston and works as a mechanic and is therefore representative of absolutely nobody.

I have a couple of slices of toast and margarine then walk to work. Sorry, I’m already doing this wrong. I should have bought breakfast and got the tube and then bought a coffee. Sorry.

I packed sandwiches for lunch too, because there isn’t anywhere you can buy them near the garage. I know, I’m completely fucking this up.

I should have a gym membership or something, but I just keep fit by walking to work.

Total spend: negligible

Me and my mates meet in Wetherspoons and then go on to a pub near the station. But nowhere does fancy gins, so I’m coming home pissed with change from £20. Even the kebab’s only a few quid. Sorry. We just haven’t got the street food ‘pop-ups’.

Total spend: £25 or so, which I know should be paying for one round

Big shop at Morrison’s, so that was £70, and I paid my rent which is £425 a month. For a moment I feel like a proper millennial until I realise that I should be spending at least twice that on a room in a shared house in Croydon or something. Then I make it even worse by having tea at my mum’s. That’s just not representative at all. Well it is round here, but not of real people, like in the Guardian.

Total spend: £495 which still isn’t close to enough

DAY 16
At lunchtime I go to Starbucks for a coffee, just to pretend to be an actual millennial for an hour. But I still don’t feel any different. I’m ashamed to be born in the 90s. I’m letting everyone down.

Total spend: £4.65 for an ‘Americano’ and a copy of the Lancashire Evening Post.

Not remotely enough

Doesn’t count as a millennial. Ignore.

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Driver who asked Theresa May for directions 'wishing he was dead'

A DRIVER who took a wrong turn said he bitterly regrets asking directions from a woman who turned out to be the prime minister.

Martin Bishop, who got lost near Chequers, the prime minister’s weekend residence in Buckinghamshire, saw Mrs May from a distance and thought she looked like a ‘safe pair of hands’.

But, he confirmed, this proved to be a ‘calamitous miscalculation’.

Bishop said: “I asked her the quickest way to A418 as I was trying to get to Leighton Buzzard and she replied, ‘We are committed to the A418 which we regard as an important partner’.

“I said ‘Yes, but which way do I go?’ to which she said, ‘the government values its relationship with the A418 going forward’.

“I said, ‘but what if I was planning to go forward, right now, towards Leighton Buzzard?’. To which she replied, ‘Philip Hammond’s recent comments about the A418 are not government policy’.”

Bishop added: “At this point I told her to just fuck off. She seemed genuinely surprised.”