Theresa May’s five things that are just as exciting as Brexit

By Theresa May

BREXIT is only a year away, and I bet you’re just as excited as I am.

Leaving the European Union is great because it’s the will of the people, also of the newspapers, Russia and various shady millionaires. Like you, I am very excited about it.

Now there’s less than a year to go! But the wait is so excruciating, it’s worse than waiting for a new ‘season’ of your favourite programme on Internetflix. So, to help you through the agonising wait for Brexit, I’ve made a quick list of five things that are just as exciting! Go and do them today!

Eating some Cathedral City cheese

There’s nothing like the deliciously generic taste of Cathedral City cheddar – the Michael Buble of the cheese world. Why not go crazy and add a couple of slices of bread to create a so-called ‘sandwich’. No butter though, it’s bad for the heart.

Visiting the Worcester Museum of Oats Packaging

We are all fascinated by packaging, and by porridge oats. At this delightful attraction you can follow the story of oats packaging over the centuries, from a simple hessian sack to the lavish modern designs showing a man in a vest. Truly, the story of oats packaging is the story of all mankind.

Going to Wilko to buy some scourers

Feel the tension mount as you enter the big, cheap windowless shop. Will they have the scourers? Or will they be temporarily out of stock? You must blandly accept either outcome as the glorious collective will of Britain.

Looking at a Wikipedia page about prawns

You thought you knew about prawns. But did you know they had ten legs? You didn’t, did you? You would have said eight and so would I.

Opening and closing a door repeatedly

It’s time you took a minute to rediscover the wonder of doors. Any door will do. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open. Repeat until Brexit.