Theresa May's five things that are just as exciting as Brexit

By Theresa May

BREXIT is only a year away, and I bet you’re just as excited as I am.

Leaving the European Union is great because it’s the will of the people, also of the newspapers, Russia and various shady millionaires. Like you, I am very excited about it.

Now there’s less than a year to go! But the wait is so excruciating, it’s worse than waiting for a new ‘season’ of your favourite programme on Internetflix. So, to help you through the agonising wait for Brexit, I’ve made a quick list of five things that are just as exciting! Go and do them today!

Eating some Cathedral City cheese

There’s nothing like the deliciously generic taste of Cathedral City cheddar – the Michael Buble of the cheese world. Why not go crazy and add a couple of slices of bread to create a so-called ‘sandwich’. No butter though, it’s bad for the heart.

Visiting the Worcester Museum of Oats Packaging

We are all fascinated by packaging, and by porridge oats. At this delightful attraction you can follow the story of oats packaging over the centuries, from a simple hessian sack to the lavish modern designs showing a man in a vest. Truly, the story of oats packaging is the story of all mankind.

Going to Wilko to buy some scourers

Feel the tension mount as you enter the big, cheap windowless shop. Will they have the scourers? Or will they be temporarily out of stock? You must blandly accept either outcome as the glorious collective will of Britain.

Looking at a Wikipedia page about prawns

You thought you knew about prawns. But did you know they had ten legs? You didn’t, did you? You would have said eight and so would I.

Opening and closing a door repeatedly

It’s time you took a minute to rediscover the wonder of doors. Any door will do. Open. Close. Open. Close. Open. Repeat until Brexit.

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Is reality just an illusion? Take our quick test to find out

IS THE entire universe actually just a sophisticated hologram, possibly controlled by aliens? Find out with this quiz.

Reality certainly seems real. But when strange coincidences happen, it makes you wonder if everyone is living in some incredibly complex computer game, like in The Matrix or some dream you had after taking drugs.

Take our quick ‘coffee break’ test to unlock the deepest secrets of human consciousness.

1. You are walking to the shop for some bread and a red Ford Focus drives past. Then on your way back from the shop, the same car passes. Is it –

A. A ‘glitch’ in the universe proving that the aliens operating the ‘reality computer’ have gotten lazy but thought we humans wouldn’t notice.

B. Proof that affordable hatchback cars are quite popular, and that when people drive somewhere they often drive home afterwards.

2. You are thinking about your nan, then the phone rings and it’s her. Is this because –

A. Everything is pre-planned by ‘the masters’ and we actually live and die on a loop which endlessly repeats until we unlock the enigma of the universe and become one with the cosmic consciousness.

B. Nan bought a cheap mobile phone from Boots and is just checking it works.

3. What about the pyramids? Apparently scientists did tests and they are bigger on the outside than the inside.

A. Well that proves everything.

B. Who are these scientists? Did they have facial tattoos and also offer to sell you weed? Because I’m fairly sure Stephen Hawking never wrote a book called Ancient Egypt – The UFO Dimension Theory.

Mostly As

You have proved that nothing is real. Congratulations! Next week we’re doing life after death.

Mostly Bs

Maybe reality really is just plain old reality. Or is it? Perhaps even this quiz is part of the illusion, designed by the alien god-beings to stop us asking the sort of questions that would eventually lead to their overthrow.