W H Auden's Funeral for a Blue

AUDEN’S classic polemical poem seems uncannily prescient in the light of recent events.

It was famously altered for use in Four Wedding and a Funeral but appears below in its original form.

Funeral For A Blue

Shut up Big Ben, cut off your leftwing groans

Prevent protestors coming, arrest them at home

Silence the pop charts and with Cameron

Bring the hearse you paid for, you know, that one

 

Let backbenchers circle and sadly shake their head

Scribbling in The Mail the column ‘She Is Dead’

Make shit jokes round Westminster bars and private clubs

Let armed policeman scare off those who will not sob

 

She shafted the North, the South survived the test

A working week was quite rare at best

A loon, a nutbag, a hawk, so long

I thought Thatcherism was forever: I’m not wrong

 

The poor are not wanted now; put down every one

They’re all on the fiddle, or so says The Sun

Paw away on Twitter and rally the good;

You can whinge all you want, it won’t do any good.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Horses declare war on humanity

HORSES are now at war with humans.

The fragile truce between the species was shattered after a police horse was punched by a Newcastle supporter during last weekend’s violence.

Stallion Julian Cook said: “For thousands of years we have lived as your slaves.

“We allowed your fat children to sit on us and give us stupid names like ‘Pumpkin’, simply because we wanted peace.

“Such is the extent of our pacificism that we even turned a blind eye when you ground us into lasagnes, then compounded the insult by saying you’d rather eat a cow. At least the French appreciate our flesh.

“But the images of a portly skinhead wielding his fists against one of our brothers are too powerfully symbolic to be ignored. We are enemies now.”

Riding schools across the UK have reported equine rebellion. Dressage instructor Nikki Hollis said: “They chewed through the phone cables so I couldn’t get the police, then repeatedly bit my ears until I agreed to jump over a 7ft wall and broke my ankle.”

Julian Cook ruled out a truce: “What is that saying you bipeds have about stable doors? Well exactly.”