What does your ice lolly say about you?

YOUR choice of ice lolly reveals your personality on a deep and profound level.

As the heatwave continues, now is the time to visit your local corner shop for a frozen, phallic object on a stick. But your lolly choice is about much more than your preference for orangey things. It is a window onto your innermost being.

Feast/Mint Feast

Feasts are the workhouse of the lolly world – solid, dependable, could possibly pull a plough. But few realise the Feast was created by 12th-century mystics, for whom the soft not-quite-ice-cream exterior represented the physical body while the hard chocolate pellet inside is the eternal soul. Thus the Feast lover has hidden depths and may possess magical powers.

Calippo

Calippos are well-known for having the look and texture of a dog’s penis. The message for Calippo-lovers could not be clearer – stay away from attractive dogs.

Twister

Twisters actually glow in the dark, and were designed by the US army to provide emergency lighting in underground combat  situations. In America they are still known by their original name of ‘Tunnel Sticks’. Thus it is the ‘warrior’s lolly’.

Magnum (normal or limited edition)

You are a calculating psychopath who craves the social status that only a boutique cream snack costing three quid can confer. Your luxurious home is entirely covered with brown leather and during your spare time you like to writhe around with a massive snake making sex noises.

Mr Freeze ‘Ice Pops’

You are calm, tenacious, and quite prepared to gnaw at a highly resilient condom-like exterior, swallowing some plastic in the process, to achieve a fairly disappointing result.

Solero

You were a sickly child and now you crave sickly things.

Mini Milk

You are a small child and should probably not be reading this.

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Man who added 'w/air-con' to Tinder bio cleaning up

A BACHELOR who added ‘w/air-con’ to his Tinder bio has never had so much sex, he has confirmed. 

Nathan Muir had previously enjoyed little success on the dating app but is now apparently so attractive that beautiful women are desperate to go back to his place after a single drink.

He said: “The modern dating market is a jungle. A hot, steamy jungle full of women desperate for an oasis of cool.

“I’m not an idiot. I know they only want me for my multi-split 12,000 BTU inverter air-con units in bedroom and lounge, but who’s to say that won’t turn into love?

“Two separate girls have told me that’s the best sex they’ve had in six weeks. I’ll take that. And they always, always stay the night.”

Marketing executive Francesca Johnson said: “Nathan? He’s kind of a dickhead, but I live in an eighth-floor flat without opening windows. I’d bang Piers Morgan right now if he had air conditioning.

“Women do need to watch out, though. There’s a lot of blokes who say they’ve got full air-con on Tinder and you get back and there’s just an oscillating fan.”