What is a 'Lib Dem'?

YOU’VE probably heard of ‘Lib Dems’, but who are these strange people claiming to be a political party?

Lib Dems are a small political tribe scattered across the UK. They resemble normal humans but are more likely to wear anoraks and deliver leaflets no one can be arsed to read.

At certain times Lib Dems decorate their gardens with bright orange signs. Once thought to be some sort of mating ritual, it turns out they are just really into local council elections.

All Lib Dems firmly believe they are the ‘sensible’ party, despite propping up a Tory government full of evil bastards. Many also think their current leader ‘Vince’, a gnome-like figure who may live in the woods, is popular.

Your best chance of spotting a Lib Dem is during local elections. Simply settle down for your dinner and they will immediately appear at your door wanting to talk about potholes.

Besides doing politics, the Lib Dems are also a social club for awkward young people who would otherwise be sitting at home playing PC strategy games or writing shit poems about alienation.

Every year the Lib Dems hold a religious festival called ‘conference’. Here the leader promises this year they’ll be making an electoral comeback and everyone pretends it’s true, like in church.

Lib Dems can turn hostile if you bring up stereotypes such as beards, sandals and real ale. Only mention these to the ones with beards, sandals and CAMRA badges.

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Women paid 1990s wages 'to make them feel younger'

WOMEN’S pay is lagging decades behind men’s to remind them of when they were younger, bosses have claimed.

Employers say the gender pay gap is actually a thoughtful gesture designed to make female staff feel more youthful and carefree.

Chief executive Norman Steele said: “Ladies hate getting older and a low salary makes them feel they are still a junior employee embarking on the great adventure of life.

“Most of our female staff are paid so little they probably think it’s still 1995 when they were in their 20s and their only worries were hangovers and getting tickets to see Suede.

“Thanks to their meagre pay many still live in shared rented accommodation and have to keep borrowing money from their parents. It must be wonderful to feel young again.

“Obviously we don’t need to restrict men’s pay because they don’t age as badly and just become ‘distinguished’, like Blake Carrington.”

45-year-old office worker Donna Sheridan said: “When my boss said how young I looked I thought it was a compliment, but he was just trying to convince me it’s still 1996.

“I must admit it’s quite easy to think that because I’ve got a permanent overdraft and Liam Gallagher is still a massive twat.”