What to do in a Brexit riot

AN EU report has warned that Britain could face civil unrest after Brexit. Here’s what to do if you get caught up in a Brexit riot.

Make sure you can run faster than a mobility scooter
If Leavers target Remainers you’ll need to escape from elderly people on their ‘Brexit choppers’. Get in training by jogging round an empty car park with your nan trying to run you over at 3mph.

Do a spot of looting
Violence and anarchy on the streets needn’t be all bad. Encourage angry mobs to riot near Waitrose, Apple stores and Jigsaw so you can get the good stuff.

Learn Brexit self-defence
If you have to go toe-to-toe with a gammon, know their weaknesses. Show them a picture of Remain campaigner Gina Miller. Their already-high blood pressure will instantly incapacitate them with an aneurysm.

During food riots, watch your calories
When you’re running amok in Sainsbury’s it will be tempting to grab expensive meat, chocolate and alcohol products. Stop your January diet and detox being in vain by stuffing your pockets with vegetables, Ryvita and couscous.

Keep a high-vis vest in your pocket
A yellow vest will be an excellent disguise in a pro-Brexit riot. If you’re a puny middle-class chap you can also wear it to enjoy feeling working class and masculine – maybe even in the bedroom?