Which Amazon do you rely on more? The one that gives oxygen or the one that delivers crap you don't need?

AMAZON. Which one could you live without, the one that gives oxygen or the one that delivers shite to your house that you bought online whilst drunk? Let’s take a look…

What do you need more? Oxygen or Tat?
While tat can be good and the large, oversized box that it often comes in is great for the cat, research has confirmed that oxygen might be of more use to you in both the short and long term. What with it being how human beings live and all.

A big stupid rainforest or a cheap cookery book delivered to your front door?
Let’s be honest, in many ways the Amazon is just a big stupid rainforest that just sits there housing billions of different life forms at any given time, which is kind of boring when you think about it, so is it really as good or useful as having Jamie Oliver latest cookery book delivered to your front door for like, what, £4?

The gentle balance of human existence or a kids swimming pool for, like, a tenner?
The gentle balance of human existence on planet Earth is probably one for the brainboxes out there if we’re being honest. It’s the kind of thing that bearded men in tweed jackets yak on about over clay pipes in musty university halls, but a kids’ swimming pool that they’ll probably use once and then it’ll be put into the garage until next year when it’ll be too grimy to use any more should definitely be more important to you than the huge burning fires of some rainforest that’s miles anyway anyway.

In summary – Yeah, the rainforest is probably ‘important’ in some ways but let’s not forget how important the cheap delivery service of the same name is. They may not provide oxygen but they do deliver shit to your house that’ll make you say, ‘I forgot I even bought that’.

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Gove: we will ignore laws against no-deal Brexit and cocaine use

MICHAEL Gove has confirmed the government will ignore any law passed against a no-deal Brexit and existing laws prohibiting cocaine. 

The Cabinet minister told Andrew Marr that the government would not necessarily abide by  anti-no-deal legislation, just as its members exempt themselves from the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971. 

He added: “This government is optimistic, turbo-charged, boosting Britain and beginning the day with a bump up each nostril. Laws mean nothing to us. 

“There is simply no way we can keep No. 10 at its current Scarface-act-three level of brooding paranoia while obeying cocaine importation prohibitions, because we have to buy wholesale. 

“Next Sunday I’m coming on here, Andrew, and I’m going to execute a rebel Tory MP live on air with a double-tap to the head. And everyone will watch and nobody will do a f**king thing.” 

Brexit supporter Martin Bishop said: “I mean they really have no choice, after everything the Remainers have done. It’s necessary for our democracy.”