Which drugs should I buy my family this Christmas?

WITH Christmas fast approaching, it can be hard to know which drugs to get your loved ones. But worry no more, thanks to our exclusive controlled substance gift guide.

For mum

Christmas is a stressful time for mum, so why not help her relax with some Xanax? All her worries will dissolve under her tongue, and it will get her off to sleep better than the Archers omnibus. 

For dad

Don’t go the traditional route of socks or a tie: what dads really want for Christmas is ayahuasca. Brew the hallucinogenic plant up in a nice cuppa, and his consciousness will expand even further than his waistline.

For your partner

It’s Christmas, so that means snow! Get your loved one some prime South American cocaine. If you still enjoy spending time with them when they are massively coked up, it must be love.

For your brother/sister

You have barely spent any time together since you were toddlers, but you can build bridges by rolling up a marijuana cigarette to share. Remember, when it comes to family, you can never go wrong with a good old-fashioned bifter. 

For nan

Help nan relive the glory years with a big bag of MDMA. She’ll soon forget her rheumatoid arthritis when she’s raving around the living room to Wartime Hits Volume 14. Watch out for the comedown though, nans can be moody even without severe serotonin depletion.

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How tough is your generation?

ARE you from the sturdy generation who thought nothing of walking 12 miles to school in hail the size of half-bricks, or are you a snowflake who hides in your ‘safe space’ if you see Nigel Farage on TV?

Take our quiz and find out.

What sort of food did you eat as a child?

A. Ready meals, pasta, McDonald’s.
B. Boiled liver on a wedge of stale bread, with a teaspoon of jam on top for a special treat. And we were grateful for it, not like today.

Crucially, how did you get to school?

A. Bus or a lift from my parents.
B. By walking miles uphill in blinding snow in hand-me-down hobnail boots that made your feet bleed while wolves picked off the weak children and you were strafed by the Luftwaffe.

What was a typical lesson like?

A. Studying a notable play like Our Town or doing basic chemical formulas.
B. Memorising the times table up to 48 x 48 = 2304 or being beaten until you wept for not instantly remembering the subjunctive negative participle of the verb ‘absquatulate’.

What did you do after school?

A. X-Box with mates or maybe five-a-side at the leisure centre.
B. Rush to the woods for some healthy running around and a dip in the frothy pool next to the paint factory. There was none of this political correctness then to stop us having wonderful imaginative games like ‘Find the Jew’.

Did you go to university?

A. Yes, I’ve got a degree from Leeds which has been useful.
B. No, I don’t want my head filled with global warming and feminism.


Mostly As. You are a paid-up member of ‘generation snowflake’. Grow a pair, you pampered little shit, and do something useful with your life, like National Service.

Mostly Bs. You are a heroic stoic from the finest generation! Child poverty and long walks to school are what made Britain great, although it’s not entirely clear how.