Which insultingly simplistic family type are you?

THE government had pledged more help for Just About Managing families (JAMs). But do you know the correct patronising, soundbite-friendly name for your family?

Simply answer the questions below, then feel mildly offended by the result.

How much money do you earn?

A. Jesus, don’t rub it in.

B. Much less than our lorry-sized gas barbecue would have you believe.

C. Much, much less than our massive ‘architect designed’ house with shitloads of light switches would have you believe.

What is your favourite TV advert?

A. Raucous bingo website advert where a woman in the bath wins £8.52 and a dancing fox appears.

B. Overly earnest big shop Christmas advert with sad music and a ‘proper story’ that ‘makes you think’.

C. We don’t have a TV actually, because bullshit wank etc etc.

How many family members are you currently feuding with?

A. Give me a second to count.

B. Just nan I think. Oh, and uncle Roger.

C. We all pretend to like each other.

Which celebrity do you most identify with?

A. Those idiots off Loose Women.

B. One of those twats off Masterchef.

C. That arse off Grand Designs (not that you have a telly etc).

What is your family type?

Mostly A’s – Your family are DISMAL (Deep In Shit, Money Always Low)

Mostly B’s – Your family are SCUM (Self-Conscious Upper Middle)

Mostly C’s – Your family is an ARSE (Affluent, Repulsive Smug Elite)


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Hammond accidentally reveals red briefcase contains his erotic short stories

PHILIP Hammond’s red briefcase has fallen open to reveal the manuscript of an erotic short story book he has been writing.

The briefcase’s clasp came undone as the chancellor held it aloft outside Downing Street, revealing a bundle of A4 sheets with the top page clearly titled Rhapsody in May: 10 Erotic Tales from Number 10.

Photographer Tom Booker said: “It just fell open and this stack of papers went all over the floor. He was scrabbling to pick them up but you could see the title page said ‘Written by Phillipa Hammock’.”

Onlookers confirmed seeing chapter headings that included Amber Rudd: Queen of the Harem, Nigel’s Stern Punishment and Boris and the Squaddies.

Hammond quickly stuffed the papers back into the briefcase, saying he must have accidentally picked up someone else’s red briefcase on the tube.