This is communism, say letting agents

THE government’s crackdown on letting agency fees is worse than anything that happened in Stalin’s Russia, letting agents agree. 

Today’s budget which stops agents charging £320 for forwarding emails, £280 for phone-answering and £515 for answering a single question truthfully is rabid anti-capitalism which will destroy freedom. 

Letting agent Susan Traherne said: “I thought this government was meant to be business-friendly. 

“Instead I find my perfectly reasonable fees, such as the £675 non-refundable Retinal Distress Deposit I add if I don’t like a tenant’s face, outlawed because Philip Hammond hates the free market. 

“Every pair of hands that tore down the Berlin Wall did it because they dreamed of a future when middlemen were free to set whatever price they thought they could get away with. 

“Instead this and restrictions on buy-to-let landlords. It’s like they don’t want people to be earning huge stacks of cash for doing absolutely jack shit.” 

Traherne added: “They leave me no choice but to install pay-per-view webcams in all my properties’ bedrooms and showers. Unless they’ve made blackmail ‘against the law’ now.” 


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Mum buys some dope shit in Fat Face

A 45-year-old woman has scored a bunch of dope shit in her favourite shop Fat Face.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis bought a fleecy top, some jeans and a gilet with a fluffy collar that she described as ‘sick’.

She said: “Fat Face always has nuff phat garms. These jeans are peng as fuck, and the fleecy top is fire too.

“Plus it’s machine washable.”

She added: “It’s real safe having this new Fat Face shit because tomorrow I’m linking with another mum at her crib for a mid-morning chill with coffee and biscuits.

“Marks & Spencer is sick too, especially the cardigans, but Fat Face always has the illest shit.”