Who is the new Hitler?

WHICH of Europe’s powerful freaks is the real heir to the Great Dictator?

Boggle-eyed xenophobes are seizing power across the continent. But which one could fill Adolf Hitler’s jackboots?

Marine Le Pen – French National Front leader whose name means ‘The Pen by the Sea’, which she hopes to fill with Jews and Muslims. Le Pen is looking for a way to conquer Europe with an army that demands four-hour lunch breaks.

Odds of being new Hitler 5/1

Morten Messerschmidt – the great-grandson of a Luftwaffe Messerschmitt 109 plane which was forced down in Copenhagen during WWII and fell in love with a farm girl, this propeller-driven Danish leader believes in closing borders, cutting benefits and an 80 per cent increase in Lego Nazi play sets.

Odds 18/1

Nigel Farage – UKIP leader considered charismatic in Britain but viewed by Europeans roughly as we view Ed Miliband. Credibility with military low after his 2010 election day attempt at piloting a light aircraft in a bombing run on Buckingham ended in disaster.

Odds 100/1

Adolf Hitler – Former German Chancellor now in present day after a failed assassination attempt by the inventor of a time machine. Currently building support in German beer halls, the all-new Hitler has swept away doubters with his fashionable quiff and handlebar moustache.

Odds Evens

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Nutella makers launch injectable chocolate

THE creators of Nutella have unveiled a new chocolate product that is taken intravenously. 

As the moreish chocolate spread celebrates its 50th birthday, Ferrero launched Chocoveino, described as ‘the world’s most direct chocolate consumption system’.

A spokesman said: “When we first sold our chocolate spread, people thought it would appeal only to gluttons and perverts.

“They underestimated people’s desire to get chocolate into themselves by any means possible. And now they can stick it in their veins.”

Chocoveino user Nikki Hollis said: “It gives me a warm, chocolatey feeling that starts in my lower arm then spreads to consume my whole body.

“I like it so much I stopped going to work and sold all my furniture instead. Now I spend my days lying on a mattress, lost in a brown sticky dream-land.”