UK thanks Russell Brand

THAT not-voting thing has worked out brilliantly, Britain has told Russell Brand.

33-year old Wayne Hayes said: “I really stuck it to The Man by staying at home on Thursday, even if it does look an awful lot like The Man ended up succeeding beyond his wildest imaginings.”

As two-thirds of the electorate decided not to bother in the European election, the UK will now be represented in Brussels by MEPs who won’t bother voting either.

The long-term plan is for all political decisions to be made in a Mayfair drinking club without the costly and time-consuming exercise of pretending to care less what the public thinks.

Jester/prophet/lothario/voice of cinema rabbit Russell Brand said: “Cor, it’s a proper xenophobey-wobey paradigm shift toward the far righty-wight malarkey, innit?

“How very un-perspicacious of me ‘umble self to not divine how this whole politics imbroglio might have unfolded.”

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Kim and Kanye to hold Caligula-themed wedding

THE wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, to be held in Italy tomorrow, will be themed after the cruelties of Rome’s most depraved Emperor.

More than 20,000 Christians, 5,000 Jews and six boatloads of exotic predators are being shipped to the Florence venue to fight and die for the amusement of the couple and A-list guests including Rita Ora.

An insider at the venue said: “The opulent main hall will be atmospherically lit by burning Christians tied to stakes.

“A choir of specially-created castratos, who will be bricked up after the nuptials so their unique voices will never be heard again, will sing That’s My Bitch as the couple walk down the aisle.

“And at the moment they conclude their vows, Kim and Kanye will be bathed in a bloody rain from more than three thousand decapitated doves.”

The ceremony will be followed by gladiatorial games in an outdoor amphitheatre which will pit Christians against lions, men with swords against men with tridents, and terrified servants against the might of a reunited Wu-Tang Clan.

West himself said: “I declared myself a god last year and tomorrow I make my bride – already ruler of her own reality on the E! channel – a goddess at my side.

“Next I will make a horse the hottest star in rap and the other Kardashian sisters my concubines.”