FRIENDLY brainstorming sessions are used to work out who should be sacked.
Bosses confirmed that the creative sessions, where there are officially no bad ideas, are secretly recorded and every single word is held against you.
Company director Tom Logan said: “These matey little gatherings around a whiteboard with a marker pen are the most perfect way to weed out the chronically stupid.
“So we book a room at a Best Western hotel, lay on some sandwiches and hide tiny microphones behind the drab abstract paintings. Let the brainstorming begin!
“Then every year all the bosses in the country gather at a special boss conference in luxurious surroundings, where we listen to the recordings and laugh uproariously at your very, very stupid ideas.
“Secretaries make a list of all the dullest, most inane or annoying ideas then we all think of a reason to sack those responsible. Also, all your ideas are kept on a massive database. Forever.
“In short, there is almost nothing but bad ideas in brainstorming. And if you say the wrong thing you’ll never work again.”
Logan admitted that stock brainstorming sessions like ‘How can you use a paperclip?’ were moronic.
“The correct answer is ‘fuck off’, but naturally everyone sees it as an opportunity to get one over on their fellow drones.
“You’re so pathetic. It’s brilliant.”