Brainstorming ideas recorded and used against you

FRIENDLY brainstorming sessions are used to work out who should be sacked.

Bosses confirmed that the creative sessions, where there are officially no bad ideas, are secretly recorded and every single word is held against you.

Company director Tom Logan said: “These matey little gatherings around a whiteboard with a marker pen are the most perfect way to weed out the chronically stupid.

“So we book a room at a Best Western hotel, lay on some sandwiches and hide tiny microphones behind the drab abstract paintings. Let the brainstorming begin!

“Then every year all the bosses in the country gather at a special boss conference in luxurious surroundings, where we listen to the recordings and laugh uproariously at your very, very stupid ideas.

“Secretaries make a list of all the dullest, most inane or annoying ideas then we all think of a reason to sack those responsible. Also, all your ideas are kept on a massive database. Forever.

“In short, there is almost nothing but bad ideas in brainstorming. And if you say the wrong thing you’ll never work again.”

Logan admitted that stock brainstorming sessions like ‘How can you use a paperclip?’ were moronic.

“The correct answer is ‘fuck off’, but naturally everyone sees it as an opportunity to get one over on their fellow drones.

“You’re so pathetic. It’s brilliant.”


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UKIP councillors told they can't withdraw Doncaster from EU

NEWLY elected UKIP councillors have discovered they are not allowed to remove their borough from the European Union.

The local councillors, whose skills include patriotic fervour, will now be forced to spend the next five years making speeches about Eurocrats during planning meetings and calling for Union Jacks to be painted on wheelie bins.

Norman Steele, the new leader of UKIP-controlled Doncaster Council, said: “I was proud to announce earlier today that Doncaster will be freed from the yoke of EU membership with immediate effect.

“I have now been informed this will not be possible. Same goes for my plan to build a 200ft wall around the city to keep out the Bulgars.”

He added: “I can’t even force people to wear ties.”

Former BNP councillor Stephen Malley said: “When I was elected in 2009 I was shocked to discover the police wouldn’t obey my direct orders and that using the council to promote anti-semitism was ‘against the law’.

“I couldn’t get anyone deported, it turned out that Christmas wasn’t actually banned and there was no money for my spectacular torchlight rally.

“However, I was able to deny the Holocaust during a meeting about mobility scooters.”