Will this be the year you achieve even one of your ultimately pointless goals?

IT’S 2019, and you’ve written all the things you hope to achieve in a pathetic Moleskine notebook you bought yourself. But will you achieve even one of them? Find out: 

What did you do immediately after your first coffee this morning? 

A) Wrote a numbered list of aims for the day, broken down into subsections while I strategise like Alexander the Great.

B) Rolled a spliff

How are you taking action to move toward your goals? 

A) Spending 90 minutes a day writing, training, and planning, motivating myself with concrete results as I set up base camp on my personal Everest.

B) Thinking about them sometimes on the train.

What are your milestones? 

A) Promotion or salary increase, running a marathon, getting a post-graduate degree, relocating to Berlin or Kuala Lumpur.

B) I’m 37 in July. Oh no, wait, 39. 

Where do you hope to be by the end of the year? 

A) Smiling with satisfaction as the last of my goals is crossed off my list, while scoffing at my vanquished foes.

B) My auntie usually has a party.


Mostly As: You’re a driven, ambitious person and as such have set yourself goals that are impossible to realistically achieve. You will achieve nothing.

Mostly Bs: Despite making very little effort, you will achieve one of your goals in May when you watch Avengers: Endgame. Well done.

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London millennial excited to move into houseshare with family of mice

A 24-YEAR-OLD living in London cannot wait to meet her 32 new rodent housemates, she has confirmed.

Emma Bradford moves into the Dulwich one-bed studio apartment, in which she will co-habit with the large mouse brood, this week and thinks it will be fantastic.

She said: “My last houseshare was with an aspiring investment banker, a failing stand-up comic and a weed dealer. This is a real step-up.

“Apparently they do eat all your food, run about all night and shit everywhere but that’s no big deal to me because I’ve lived with students.

“Admittedly I do feel like the odd one out sometimes. There’s a WhatsApp group for house chores and who’s in and whatever and it’s all just squeaks and photos of cheese. And I shouldn’t say it but they’re hard to tell apart.

“It’s not ideal to be honest, but it’s close to the tube. And luckily the heating’s gone again so they’ll probably all be dead within the week.”