You got a problem there, pal? Take our test to find out

ARE you looking for trouble? Take our simple test to find out if you’d better step outside.

1. Are you from round here, mate?

A. Yes and I once robbed a post office with your cousin Darren. Yeah that’s right, Darren from whatever the local hard family is called.

B. No mate, sorry, I’m just…I’m not a student or anything but…

2. Do you think you’re better than me/everyone in the pub?

A. I told you, I’m mates with your Darren and I’m going to take him for a pint when he gets out of the nick.

B. No, mate, not at all, I think there has been some sort of misunderstanding or something…do you want a kettle chip?

3. Do you support (insert local football team name)?

A. Yeah, I go every week. When I’m not knocking off post offices that is.

B. I’m more of a cricket fan to be honest.

If you answered mostly As then you’re sound mate. Have you got a pint? There’s one in the pipe for you and I’ll be sure to pass your regards onto our Darren next time he calls on his mobile from prison.

If you answered mostly Bs then it appears you have some sort of a problem. You’ll have to take our next test, ‘Do you want to take this outside, pal?’ and possibly the following one ‘Where am I and why does it smell of hospitals?’.

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Local dog named chairman of Neighbourhood Watch

A BORDER terrier has been chosen to head up a street’s Neighbourhood Watch committee.

Five-year-old Toby was chosen against his human rivals after running a ‘highly professional campaign’ and because nobody else wanted to do it.

Local resident Martin Bishop said: “I am pretty obsessive about monitoring the activities of hooded youths who come within eight feet of my car, but I can’t be arsed worrying about other people’s stuff

“Meanwhile, Toby is not only more organised and diligent, he’s excellent at chairing the meetings.”

Toby said: “I use a spreadsheet system combined with a serious of message alerts to ensure the street is always covered. When it comes to chairing meetings the key is to give everyone a say while displaying calm authority.

“But ultimately the big difference is that as a dog I have a genuine sense of community and shared responsibility, unlike these self-absorbed pricks.”