Your guide to doing f**k all this weekend

IT’S the weekend and annoying bastards want you to go outside and do stuff.

Here’s how to avoid them.

1. Get rid of the kids

Start by saying “Who likes staying at Grandma’s?”. If they don’t react enthusiastically simply change your tone slightly and say “You are going to stay at Grandma’s.”

2. Get rid of your other half

Most loving partners will assume you’ve gotten rid of the kids so you two can spend some quality time together. Wrong. Quality time with a partner means doing stuff which represents a mutually unsatisfying compromise, like watching a Wes Anderson film or going to Pizza Express. So, after dropping off the kids simply say to your other half ‘Who likes staying at their mother’s?’, taking away the element of choice along with a slight change of tone if needed.

3. Get rid of the dog

Actually no, the dog can stay. The dog’s alright.

4. Close the curtains

Now that you’ve gotten rid of the kids and your partner and the dog has been fed and watered, then it’s time to close the curtains, put on a film you’ve seen eight times before so it won’t need any real attention and then just lay on the couch idly scrolling down social media pages in between occasionally nodding off. You are winning at life!