Your guide to doing absolutely f**k all this weekend

IT’S the weekend and annoying bastards want you to go outside and do stuff.

Here’s how to avoid them.

1. Get rid of the kids

Start by saying “Who likes staying at Grandma’s?”. If they don’t react enthusiastically simply change your tone slightly and say “You are going to stay at Grandma’s.”

2. Get rid of your other half

Most loving partners will assume you’ve gotten rid of the kids so you two can spend some quality time together. Wrong. Quality time with a partner means doing stuff which represents a mutually unsatisfying compromise, like watching a Wes Anderson film or going to Pizza Express. So, after dropping off the kids simply say to your other half ‘Who likes staying at their mother’s?’, taking away the element of choice along with a slight change of tone if needed.

3. Get rid of the dog

Actually no, the dog can stay. The dog’s alright.

4. Close the curtains

Now that you’ve gotten rid of the kids and your partner and the dog has been fed and watered, then it’s time to close the curtains, put on a film you’ve seen eight times before so it won’t need any real attention and then just lay on the couch idly scrolling down social media pages in between occasionally nodding off. You are winning at life!

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Why I’m deleting Facebook, by someone who has no idea it also owns WhatsApp and Instagram

By Susan Traherne

WHEN I first joined Facebook in 2007, it seemed such a marvellous innovation. An effortless way to keep in touching distance with the lives of friends, relative and former colleagues. 

But now I am beginning to realise that Facebook is not a force for good. And that is why I am deleting my profile while continuing to freely use WhatsApp and Instagram.

I’m not somebody who follows the “tech news”. I don’t know how all these big companies fit together. But as I was saying in our Conscious Capitalism WhatsApp group last night, Zuckerberg has gone too far.

Facebook should not be harvesting our data. It should not be selling that data to unscrupulous third parties. But it has forgotten that it is nothing without its users.

Most importantly, it is no longer the only social networker in town. If I want to message friends, there’s an app for that. If I want to share photos, there’s an app for that too.

I will no longer give Facebook my precious likes. Instead, I shall bestow them elsewhere, and there is nothing they can do to stop me.

Tonight, I shall be deactivating my Facebook account and notifying that unethical internet conglomerate that I wish them to delete my data. If you want to join me, then I can guide you through the process step-by-step because I’m filming it as an Instagram Story.

Facebook is over. It triumphed only because of our naivety and ignorance about Big Data. But we will never been that foolish again.