Adult brother needs to borrow wrapping paper, scissors, Sellotape, and something he can give as a present

A FULLY-GROWN man has asked his sister if he can borrow all the component parts of a Christmas present, it has emerged.

32-year-old Joshua Hudson tapped up his sister Lucy for help after remembering that he is no longer a young child and cannot get away with offering a hug as a Christmas gift to his parents.

He said: “Oh yeah. I’m an adult with a job and responsibilities. I probably should have sorted everything out weeks ago instead of going to the pub every night and getting plastered. Shit.

“Not to worry. I’m sure Lucy’s got everything I need knocking around. The present doesn’t need to be anything special, a pair of her socks will do the trick for mum. And I’m sure dad will get some use out of one of her hair brushes.

“That being said, I’m supposed to be going out with my mates later. I wonder if she’d mind wrapping them and writing the gift tags too? Ribbons and bows wouldn’t go amiss either, don’t want them to look cheap.”

Sister Lucy said: “Josh isn’t even trying anymore. Last year he didn’t get any presents because he said they went against his anti-consumerist beliefs, which I admired and almost believed.”

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Teenager pathetically desperate to see his shit mates

A TEENAGE boy is painfully desperate to escape the clutches of his caring, providing parents to see his shithead mates. 

Jack Browne, aged 15, has spent three whole days being given presents and food and having his every need tended to by his mum and dad, and is going out of his f**king mind.

He said: “Oh my God, I cannot turn around without one of them holding a tray of pigs in blankets saying ‘board game’? And I haven’t seen Macca, Chels or the Baker since Friday.

“I just want to go out, what’s weird about that? Just to hang with my homies outside the closed recreation centre in the cold, chatting shit and having a laugh, but mum’s like ‘Why don’t we watch your favourite Christmas film, Jack?’

“Last night they were having an epic time doing whippets and throwing all these shoes they’d nicked from a clothes bank on a substation roof, and I was stuck here drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows constantly being asked to take my headphones off.

“It’s so unfair. I don’t see why I can’t go out down the deserted skate park just because ‘we’re having a family Christmas’. I’m like a prisoner in a jail.”

Later today Browne’s parents will allow him out, and he will sit on swings watching TikTok videos on his phone with three other twat teens before slouching home.