Buck's fizz and other Christmas drinks that basically don't count as booze

CHRISTMAS has a wonderful range of drinks that are completely acceptable to enjoy from 9.30am. Here are some of the finest:

Buck’s Fizz

If you’re a middle-class bellend you’ll call it a mimosa instead of a Buck’s Fizz, but essentially it’s the same thing. Ideal for Christmas morning as you can fill your glass almost to the brim with champagne and add a small splash of orange juice and no one will realise you’ve necked most of a bottle of Laurent-Perrier until you fall asleep on the sofa at 10am.


Combining whisky and cream, Baileys blurs the line between dessert and booze, which is ideal for Christmas as it’s mainly all you consume. The unfortunate problem is that it’s very difficult to actually get pissed on Baileys as your body will start rejecting the overwhelming amount of dairy and sugar, from one end or the other, before the alcohol takes effect.

Mulled wine

Given that the act of mulling boils off most of the alcohol in the wine, this traditional festive beverage needs to be liberally laced with brandy to make it worth consuming. It’s usually also full of cloves and orange peel and other weird shit, so it makes more sense to forego the wine bit entirely and just go straight for the hard stuff.


Is alcoholic custard mixed with lemonade nice to drink? It doesn’t sound like it, but by the time Uncle Roy offers you one on Christmas afternoon you’re three sheets to the wind and prepared to try anything. That’s how you find yourself trying to act out the phrase ‘Pornhub’ to your grandparents an hour later after your mischievous brother ropes you in to a game of charades.

Irish Coffee

At some stage your mum will tell you you’ve had enough and are embarrassing yourself, and send you into the kitchen to make a coffee. What she won’t realise though is that you’ve added a huge slug of whisky to your coffee and are only to get even more steamingly drunk. It’s not just an evening beverage, so don’t feel ashamed of subtly livening up your Christmas morning coffee either.

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Mum buys presents to everyone from the f**king dog

A MOTHER with an overly affectionate relationship with the family dog has presented everyone with gifts purportedly from him.

Susan Traherne, aged 56, has purchased and wrapped gifts for her family which she is claiming are from Shih Tzu Bobby, and prompted everyone to thank him for his festive generosity.

Son Stephen said: “I first realised something was up when she passed me a ‘very special’ present wrapped in Christmas paper with bones on. There was a paw print on the gift tag.

“It turns out she’s bought – sorry, ‘Bobby’ has bought me a Remington beard trimmer. It must have been upward of 30 quid. It’s not even a dog-appropriate gift.

“He earns no money and has no concept of Christ’s birth. He’s a dog with dozens of tartan coats, fancy collars, and plush beds, too lazy to go for walks and too f**king mollycoddled to chew a bone. But hints are being dropped that I should have got him something.

“I’m not prepared to entertain this sick charade. He’s not my brother. He didn’t buy or wrap that. He’s a f**king dog.”

Susan Traherne said: “Oh, poor Bobby. Look, he’s sad, you’ve hurt his feelings at Christmas.”