Cash vs gifts: a teenager's guide to screwing the maximum value out of relatives

IT’S the dilemma for any teenager at Christmas: you want cash, but know you can con aunties into spending more on a gift. Rip them off more effectively with our guide.

Match present to person

Older relatives may seem basically interchangeable to you, but they do have slight differences you can take advantage of. Assign the smartly-dressed uncle the Ralph Lauren shirt while making the lazy uncle who works in IT go online shopping to get more bang for your buck.

Meet the rich ones

Does the five-day Christmas suspension of lockdown rules mean you’ve got to visit all kinds of arsehole family? Play the advantages. Find the brother-in-law in a flash car who hasn’t given you a present and get him pissed until he gives you £50.

Don’t get technical

What’s the difference between an iPhone 12 and a Huawei P Smart 2020? To you, everything. To your 68-year-old aunt, they’re the same. Make sure any presents that could be ruined by a stray digit are safely bought by your parents, who you can stand over and make return things.

Lie to the elderly

When an elderly relative passes a certain point, they don’t understand any aspect of the modern world and will believe any lie you tell them about it. Claim that you need cybernetic implants like the immigrant kids from Sirius have or you’ll get bad GCSEs, and you’ll walk away with a full month of their pension.

Returnability

The chaotic days after Christmas are a free-for-all at the return counter, with no receipt expected and store credit given to anyone. Now all you have to do is find a dealer who’ll accept a £35 M&S gift card in exchange for an eighth of weed.

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Kids refuse to do a thing unless there's a café after the thing

TWO children have made it clear that a country walk is not acceptable if it does not include a café afterwards.

Luke Bradford, seven, and sister Sophie, five, have confirmed they are only prepared to put up with doing a boring thing suggested by their parents if they are plied with sugar afterwards.

Mum Emma said: “I thought it went too smoothly when I suggested the walk and the kids happily pulled their wellies on. But then I heard them chatting about whether to have their hot chocolate with or without marshmallows.

“When I told them there isn’t a cafe in the woods they didn’t believe me. Sophie explained to me that all things you do with children have to end with a café.

“Luke suggested he would compromise with a brownie if there was no hot chocolate on the menu. Now we’re all still in the house but both children are crying bitterly.

“I’ve said that maybe I could pack some apple juice cartons and Jaffa Cakes in cling-film, but they both looked at me in disgust and have taken their wellies back off.”