IT’S the dilemma for any teenager at Christmas: you want cash, but know you can con aunties into spending more on a gift. Rip them off more effectively with our guide.
Match present to person
Older relatives may seem basically interchangeable to you, but they do have slight differences you can take advantage of. Assign the smartly-dressed uncle the Ralph Lauren shirt while making the lazy uncle who works in IT go online shopping to get more bang for your buck.
Meet the rich ones
Does the five-day Christmas suspension of lockdown rules mean you’ve got to visit all kinds of arsehole family? Play the advantages. Find the brother-in-law in a flash car who hasn’t given you a present and get him pissed until he gives you £50.
Don’t get technical
What’s the difference between an iPhone 12 and a Huawei P Smart 2020? To you, everything. To your 68-year-old aunt, they’re the same. Make sure any presents that could be ruined by a stray digit are safely bought by your parents, who you can stand over and make return things.
Lie to the elderly
When an elderly relative passes a certain point, they don’t understand any aspect of the modern world and will believe any lie you tell them about it. Claim that you need cybernetic implants like the immigrant kids from Sirius have or you’ll get bad GCSEs, and you’ll walk away with a full month of their pension.
The chaotic days after Christmas are a free-for-all at the return counter, with no receipt expected and store credit given to anyone. Now all you have to do is find a dealer who’ll accept a £35 M&S gift card in exchange for an eighth of weed.