Wednesday, 12th May 2021

Boris Johnson to remember it's Brexit deadline day at about 4pm

THE prime minister is today expected to rise late, enjoy a lengthy lunch, lie about farting then remember his Brexit deadline at approximately 4pm. 

Johnson will lie in late snoozing while his partner deals with the baby then try to tempt her back under the covers for a shag. Rebuffed, he will make himself a bacon sandwich and return to bed.

Following a full roast dinner, the prime minister will lie around watching old Lewis repeats on ITV3, troubled by a vague feeling he has forgotten something important, before suddenly sitting bolt upright and shouting ‘Oh shit!’

A Downing Street source said: “He’ll then run around frantically stuffing himself into a suit while ordering Gove and Frost to get to the Cabinet Room immediately, only to discover they’re already there.

“They’ll cobble together some half-arsed bullshit which is basically what the EU said with a load of mentions of sovereignty crowbarred in, then they’ll discover Ursula von der Leyen’s been waiting on Zoom for an hour.

“He’ll spin a line about an emergency COBRA meeting, plead for a few more days, get them, send everyone home and spend the next three hours relaxing in a well-earned hot bath.”