Five types of relative planning to ruin your Christmas

WHETHER they’re staying over or just popping round, your weird relatives will be plaguing you this Christmas. Here are the worst offenders.

Your racist uncle 

Uncle Vince will make younger relatives tense as they wonder if they should say something about his casual use of the word ‘darkies’. He will also start a depressing conversation in which other older relatives all agree Britain is ‘full’.

Your other strange uncle

Your unusual uncle Rod will be round to tell you at length about his latest weird problems, such as a blockage in the chemical toilet in the caravan where he lives, forcing him to ‘do his business’ in the local pub. Will bring a strange present, such as nylon socks off the market.

Farty grandfather

It is not grandpa’s fault that he cannot control his anal sphincter, but gosh. What has he been eating? Cat food? His presence will make eating mince pies a memorably unpleasant experience.

Business bore cousin

A suited-and-booted Audi-driving idiot on good money. You won’t have to speculate how much because they’ll tell you they’re on 70k within minutes of crossing the threshold. Oddly, you wouldn’t mind their relentless money-and-golf chat if they did something interesting, eg. sculptor or hired killer, but no, they work for Foxtons.

Your sibling and their horrible children

However much you love your sister or brother, something has gone spectacularly wrong with their child-rearing and they will bring a brood of screaming, over-indulged little brats who kick things for no reason. They will also injure themselves from running around, making Christmas Doctor Who even less enjoyable. 

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How the f**k is it Christmas next week? nation asks

THE entire country is sure Christmas cannot be next f**king week, can it?

Britons believe there has been some sort of problem in the space-time continuum that has led to Christmas being now.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “It was bonfire night, then some politics happened and now it’s a few days before Christmas and we’re expected to be drunk all the time and okay with hearing carols everywhere.

“I’m totally sure it’s around mid-November, whatever the calendars say.”

Experts confirmed that the unexpected arrival of the festive season has resulted in confused panic-buying of bizarre gift sets no one really wants and Britons failing to come up with convincing excuses to not go to their in-laws. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Mass panic has set in in many areas, with shoppers rushing to buy useless items such as inflatable reindeer and far too many sprouts.

“The only person unaffected is that annoying woman from work who’s still banging on about how she has had all her presents brought and wrapped since September.”