Five ways to pretend you're not skint at Christmas

CHRISTMAS isn’t merry if you haven’t even got sixpence to put in the Christmas pudding. Here’s how to get by if you’re brassic this festive season.

Get a cheap Santa suit off Amazon. And wear it every day instead of buying new party clothes. You’ll start to smell a bit but the stomach padding is handy for hiding a bottle of cooking sherry if you can’t afford to buy drinks in the pub. 

Make all your own presents. Use things you have lying around the house – just like Kirstie Allsopp on Kirstie’s Homemade Christmas. It’s no big deal if your niece wonders why her new dolly looks like a used toilet brush. You gave it a rinse. 

Nick stuff from the supermarket food bank collection. It’s not really stealing because it’s been paid for, just not by you.

Claim you’re being environmentally friendly. You have no decorations because it’s minimalist and green. Your bare tree reduces plastic waste and can double as a vegan Christmas dinner – some grated bark will be about as delicious as the average nut roast. 

Pretend Nigella’s Christmas is yours. Sit really close to the TV when Nigella or Jamie Oliver are on and imagine their sumptuous Christmas is actually yours. Complete the illusion by saying things like “Glad you could pop over, Nigella” as you eat your Super Noodles.

Hungover woman brought to tears by fridge door that won't close

A HUNGOVER woman is weeping in the kitchen because a fridge door refuses to stay shut. 

Susan Traherne spent last night celebrating the festive season with friends, including finishing a bottle of absinthe at 4am, and 12 hours later is ordering a fridge door to ‘please shut you bastard’ in a whisper.

She said: “It just won’t close. I think it hates me. It’s more than I can take.

“I think I’m going to have to have a lie down.”

She added: “I can try opening it and pushing it closed again while begging it to help me. That’s going to take all I’ve got left.

“After that I’m going to curl up under a duvet for about a year, possibly 18 months.”