Middle-class family going to Bali for Christmas admit it'll still be shite

A FAMILY heading to Bali for Christmas have admitted that they will still have a horrible time resenting each other despite the sun.

Martin Bishop, his wife Francesca and their teenage children Annabel and Marcus expect to spend 10 days sniping at each other and slamming doors, despite their proximity to white sand beaches and and sapphire-blue sea.

Francesca said: “Every year, we kid ourselves that Christmas will be marvellous if we can just escape grey Britain and the boring turkey dinner. Unfortunately, it turns out that spending time together as a family is the bit we all hate most.

“The kids will still be ungrateful little turds about their presents, even though they’ve opened them in 30 degree heat, and Francesca will still slag off my mother, even though she’s minding her own business 3,000 miles away in Kettering.

“And I will still drink too much and fall asleep after a huge lunch. In fact it will be even worse in Bali because I’ll get hideous sunburn and become dangerously dehydrated.

“Then we’ll spend the entire time until after New Year avoiding each other, wishing we were in paradise with different, better people, and secretly drinking.

“I might start the drinking now.”

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Our relationship is just like Love Actually except he's a serial adulterer with four kids, says Carrie Symonds

 THE prime minister’s girlfriend has claimed their relationship is just like in Love Actually, apart from his wife and four-to-six children. 

Carrie Symonds, who has been with the prime minister since at least this year, likened the romance to Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon in the British rom-com, with a few minor differences.

She told the Daily Telegraph: “I’m a PR executive and she was a tea lady, so that’s one very big change.

“Technically we can’t get engaged because he’s not divorced from his wife of 25 years who he walked out on last year, leaving her with four kids. While Hugh in the movie is single.

“Neither did the Hugh character have a string of adulterous relationships, some resulting in children and others where he was only abusing the power of his office.

“Other than that it’s exactly the same as  Love Actually. He’s the nice prime minister off the telly at Christmas and our mutual devotion will last forevermore. Everything’s going to be alright.”