Gran still believes a fiver is a decent gift

A BRITISH grandmother remains convinced that £5 is still a reasonable Christmas present for her adult grandchildren.

Margaret Gerving, who has a large pension and is the only member of her family to own property outright, is certain that five British pounds is an astronomically generous gift.

Gerving said: “I only have three grandchildren, so I can splash out a little more. My friend Susan has six in total, so she can only give hers a pound coin each.”

Mrs Gerving, who enjoys regular Saga cruises and is a member of her local golf club, is well-aware of the realities of modern life.

“Things have definitely changed since I was young. I used to get a half-crown and embroidered handkerchief from my grandmother, who was born in 1882.

“My grandchildren are always moaning about things like how their wages haven’t kept up with the price of property, so I know my gift will be a big help.

“What would I like? Oh, just something small like a bottle of Macallan 25-year-old single malt, please.”

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'Well they're not social distancing' says dad during every Christmas film

A DAD has decided to make comments about recent public health regulations during every Christmas movie.

Martin Bishop’s family are unsure whether he is merely cracking the same ‘joke’ about social distancing repeatedly or criticising the behaviour of pre-Covid fictional characters. 

Son Ryan said: “Dad first mentioned the lack of social distancing during Elf. I thought he was joking, because shortly afterwards he said ‘elf and safety’.

“I managed a weak laugh, but it didn’t stop there. He was very vocal about transmission rates in It’s a Wonderful Life

“He even said the R rate would be ‘exploding’ in The Muppet Christmas Carol, despite most of the cast being puppets made of felt.

“The only movie he’s let slide so far is Die Hard. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the ventilation shafts Bruce Willis crawls through are probably filled with airborne viruses.”

After thumbing through the Christmas Radio Times, Bishop now intends to address the issue of whether the characters in Shrek are breaking the rules on support bubbles.