WHO doesn’t love a smug ‘round robin’ message in which friends and relatives tell you how well things are going for their family? But what do they really mean?
“Jack had a recorder solo in the nativity.” Jack is an attention-seeking little twat who grabbed someone else’s recorder before hitting a sheep with it and storming offstage. We’re in negotiations with the local authority.
“Claire and Pete continue to enjoy their marriage.” Claire is enjoying the plumber and Pete is spending lots of quality time with his gimp.
“Gemma’s world travels continue.” Gemma keeps tapping us for money while she gets stoned in Cardiff.
“Ollie celebrated his graduation from Cambridge.” Ollie got a third in advertising studies from Anglia Ruskin and almost choked on his own spew.
“Grandma is still very sprightly for her age.” The care home fees are draining the boat fund. We’re beginning to think she’s doing it out of spite, the manipulative old bitch.