Christmas Carol 2019 sees internet dater visited by three women he ghosted

A REVISED version of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol details the transformation of an internet dater visited by three women he ghosted.

The modernised classic sees Tinder bellend Ed Scrooge change his ways after visits from matches past, present and yet to come.

Writer Julian Cook explained: “In revisiting the timeless morality tale, we realised that online dating was the perfect setting.

“Our central character has profile pictures of himself at Machu Picchu and with a dog that’s not his, talks excessively about his charity work while never asking any questions, and crucially never calls women back after a shag.

“On Christmas Eve he’s visited by the ghost of exes who take him off to see his Christmas past in Duke’s nightclub in Chelmsford, his Christmas present rereading The Game between wanks, and his Christmas future indiscriminately sending dick pics to strangers.

“He learns a lesson, asks a street urchin to find him ‘the biggest bird in the nightclub’, and loves her for herself because he can now see beyond appearances.

“God bless us, every one.”

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Couple genuinely serious about going to midnight mass

A SEEMINGLY normal couple have confirmed they are actually going to midnight mass.

Kate and Nathan Muir insisted they cannot wait to listen to a priest talk passionately about a virgin giving birth to a magic baby while all their friends will still be drinking very heavily indeed.

Kate Muir said: “At first people think we’re kidding when we say we’re going to a church in the dead of night. But their amusement quickly turns to confusion – and then anger – when we ask if they’d like to join us.

“And it’s not one of those lightweight masses that starts at 11 and ends at midnight. This one kicks off at 12 and nobody’s getting out until 1am at the earliest after some proper, old school worship. It’s hardcore, just like the magic baby would have wanted.”

Nathan Muir added: “We’re mainly in it for the hymns and the chanting.

“It does sound a bit weird when I say it out loud.”