Monday, 8th March 2021

How to endure Christmas Day with your f**king family

IF you’re spending Christmas with your family you’ll likely go insane with irritation in minutes. Here’s how to endure a long day in their company.

Leave the TV on permanently

Thanks to streaming channels there’s an endless supply of programming to distract family members from talking to each other. Simply find shows you can all agree on then sit there in a slack-jawed trance while autoplay works its magic.

Drink

The only thing more difficult than spending time with your family is spending time with them while sober. Neck an entire cauldron of mulled wine to block out your mum’s prying questions about your love life and your dad’s sprout-fuelled flatulence.

Go out for a walk

Family homes can feel like prisons. Going out for a walk is the equivalent of day release, because they’re a chance to fantasise about slipping away, jumping on a train and starting a new life somewhere else. This brief respite may stop your spirit being broken by the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas special.

Start an argument

Everyone was going to start shouting and screaming at each other at some point so you might as well take control of it. Conveniently bring up a thorny family issue immediately then spend the remaining hours in the blissful silence of simmering resentment.

Remember that they hate this too

Unless you’re one of those weird families that all get along swimmingly, everyone is secretly gutted they narrowly missed out on a Christmas free from insufferable relatives. And if you can’t relate to that, you’re the insufferable relative nobody wants to see.