How to f**king own your role in the school nativity. By Christian Bale

TOO many kids are happy with mediocre turns in their school nativity. Here, Christian Bale explains how to put in an Oscar-worthy performance in the role of Sheep No. 3.

All right, listen up, this is some serious shit. It’s your school nativity play today, and the truth is: you’re not taking it seriously enough. And it f**king shows.

So you’ve got the part of Sheep No. 3. Sure, it isn’t a big role . But it’s not the size of the role in the play, it’s the size of the actor in the role. If you nail this, no one’s going to remember who played Mary and Joseph. They’re all going to be talking about that kid who stole the show with a breakout role as a fuzzy little mammal.

First up: live the character, all right? Go out to the fields, get down on all fours, and f**king baa. Chomp on the wet December grass. Crap on the floor. Suck on a sheep’s teat. If you think ‘Daniel Day Lewis wouldn’t go this far’, you haven’t gone far enough.

Yes, people will think you’re absolutely insane. You think people didn’t think I was insane when I lost all that weight for The Machinist? You think they didn’t threaten to shut down the film for health and safety reasons? Learn to live in the middle of that wild madness. That’s where the gold is. If no one threatens to shut this nativity down, you haven’t done your job.

Next: demand they rewrite the script so that you have a three-minute monologue about your troubled, intense lambhood back on the farm. You’ll get some pushback here – some people might claim that the Christ story doesn’t actually have much to do with sheep – but remember, the art of survival is a story that never ends. No I don’t know what that means either, but it sounds kind of deep and important, right?

When you’re on stage, make sure that the audience is looking at you, even when the other characters are talking. Cultivate an insane grin, a limp or do the moonwalk: anything to ensure that you’re the kid who gets noticed. At my school nativity I snapped one of my own fingers and one of the mums fainted. Now look where I am.

Right. That’s about it. Knock it out the park. Oh, and make sure you get residuals.

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Seven seasonal sex positions to get you into the Christmas spirit

IT’S the time of year when everything must be Christmas-themed, including sexual intercourse. Try these red-hot positions that will jingle your bells or whatever:

The reindeer

The woman sits astride the man in the same way as the cowgirl position, but holds her hands on each side to her head to form ‘antlers’. Incredibly erotic in itself, but can be taken to the next level with sexy reindeer talk such as ‘You’re a dirty Arctic ruminant!’ or ‘That’s so f**king festive, Prancer!’

The new Raleigh Chopper

The man straddles his prone partner then thrusts while imagining he’s riding the Raleigh Chopper he got for Christmas in 1978. From a male perspective life doesn’t get much better than this, although women may be reluctant to balance a three-speed gear stick between their shoulder blades because it’s weird.

The cuckold on the shelf

If you’re into watching your girlfriend have sex with another man, add a Yuletide twist by dressing as the Elf on the Shelf who you’ve always suspected was a creepy voyeur. Remain locked in position, grinning blankly, as the third party hammers away. Do not let tears fall down onto your bottle-green tunic and red-and-white striped tights.

Finding the broken bulb

Prolonged cunnilingus in which the man attempts to stimulate the clitoris as if fixing 1970s fairy lights, checking one bulb at a time with his tongue and swearing frequently. The lengthy period of trial and error should end unsuccessfully and be swiftly resolved by the woman locating the ‘dud bulb’ once he has gone off to get drunk.

Sexy Santa dress

Not strictly a sexual position, but a skimpy, low-cut red dress with white furry trim is a definite turn-on, until the man realises that in this scenario he’s boning Santa, an old man with a beard and a twinkle in his eye who never brought him the Tracy Island he wanted, and loses his erection.

The Hootenanny handjob

An increasingly popular sexual practice in which one partner wanks off the other to alleviate the boredom of Jools Holland’s musical extravaganza. Has an element of excitement missing from the show as you can’t be sure which guest you’ll climax during. Depending on gender and sexual orientation, Sophie Ellis-Bextor is more than fine; Paul Weller may leave psychological scars.

The trolley dash

The man enters the woman from behind in a standing position, then you attempt to run around the bedroom as if you’re at the January sales. Ideally you should orgasm simultaneously while holding designer clothing that will never fit and an 18in LED TV you felt obliged to buy because it was only £40.