Henry Cavill cast as series seven fine sable-hair brush in Warhammer TV series

SUPERMAN actor Henry Cavill has been cast as a series seven fine sable-hair paint brush in Amazon’s upcoming Warhammer series.

Cavill insisted on the role, believing it key to the whole Warhammer universe due to its absolute necessity when picking out individual rivets on a Primaris Repulsor Executioner.

The lifelong fan of tabletop wargaming and executive producer of the series said: “This is what my whole career has been building to. Playing The Brush was always my dream.

“Certainly there are character in the Warhammer universe, they’re not just little models covered in spikes specifically designed to excite the adolescent male brain, but The Brush rules o’er all of them. Without the brush, they’re nothing but grey.

“I don’t want to spoil anything, but viewers can expect to see my character face off against hordes of Tyranids and the terrifying legions of Horus’s Chaos Space Marines, carefully painting their armour then going in for an ink wash. The audience will be gripped.

“I’ll be joined by Chris Pratt who plays a loose cannon pot of Abaddon Black, and Scarlett Johansson as a shapely Da Vinci Series 10 brush with a rounded tip, perfect for drybrushing. Can we work together as a team? Wait and see.”

Martin Bishop said: “Cavill is genius casting. Because woman fancy him so they’ll get into Warhammer, where I’ll chat them up by telling them everything they’re doing wrong.”

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Five times of the year more wonderful than Christmas

DESPITE the song’s claims, Christmas isn’t the most wonderful time of the year. It barely scrapes into the top ten. These occasions are far more wonderful: 

Pay day

For a weekend you’re rich. Buying pints for strangers, throwing lavish parties with crisps in bowls, eating at the best restaurants available like Nando’s and Pizza Express. Then your various direct debits come out and you’re back to haunting the Whoops! aisle like a malnourished ghost. But for those two days you lived like a king.

When your car passes its MOT

The driver’s door doesn’t open when its cold. The windscreen washers haven’t squirted since June, 2018. The weird squeaking sound is still there, and it doesn’t like to corner at above 30mph. Your car is f**ked, but miraculously the garage calls mid-morning and it’s passed! You can squeeze another year out of it! Hallelujah!

When your kid’s on a sleepover

Not at your house. That’s an evening of Netflix on your phone on the toilet. But when your kids are at some other luckless knobhead’s you’ve got a stress-free evening for you and your partner to spend quality time together. To talk, to rediscover the magic of your relationship, to make love. Or at least to stay up past midnight.

Good Friday

The two days off at Easter are far superior to the two days off at Christmas. You can’t go the pub at lunchtime on Christmas Day for ten hours without annoying repercussions like children crying and divorce, but Good Friday has no such restrictions. You only have to buy eggs. You don’t have to see family. EastEnders doesn’t kill anyone. It’s great.

When it’s not winter

Any day when it’s not winter is better than any day when it is. You can get up in daylight. You don’t wince when your feet touch the kitchen floor. You don’t have to wrestle into three layers to defrost the car. One day, Christmas long behind you, you’ll realise you’re outside in a T-shirt, flowers are blooming and soon you’ll be bitching about how sodding hot it is.