How to have a Daily Mail Christmas

IT’S the season of goodwill – unless you’re a Daily Mail reader. Here’s how to make sure your Christmas is full of spite, resentment and fear of immigrants.

Make gingerbread immigrants

Bake a big tray of non-indigenous gingerbread men – maybe put the letter ‘F’ for ‘foreigners’ on them with currants. As you eat them the number of ‘immigrants’ will go down pleasingly until there are none left.

Get angry about Meghan Markle

Enjoy furiously imagining this gold-digging shrew mooching off OUR royal family. Luckily the Mail will be on hand to fuel your imagination with dubious stories about how Meghan ate all the turkey at Sandringham and poor old Kate had to make do with just sprouts.

Adapt your Trivial Pursuit set

Using Tipp-Ex and a biro, change the cards to Daily Mail themes. Fun new questions might include: ‘Can having a shower give you cancer?’ and ‘How many foreign criminals are currently living it up in Britain’s cushy prisons?’.

Have a very Christian Christmas

Even though you’re not a Christian in any meaningful sense, get a nativity set and make all the family say prayers. This will allow you to replicate the Mail’s nasty passive-aggressive ploy of pretending Britain is strongly Christian as a way of moaning about Muslims.

Have a toast to Brexit

Raise a glass to Brexit during Christmas dinner. If anyone, particularly younger relatives, refuses to join in, drag the traitors into the back garden and hang them from a tree.

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Part-time smokers announce plans to be a pain in the neck over Christmas

BRITAIN’S occasional smokers have set out how they intend to annoy the hell out of proper smokers during the festive season.

Casual smokers will be using a variety of techniques such as asking for just one cigarette then scrounging fags off someone all night and pocketing your lighter.

Part-time smoker Martin Bishop said: “I only smoke when I’m pretty drunk and at Christmas, so by some weird logic that means I can scrounge at least a fiver’s-worth of fags off people.

“I won’t be buying a packet, despite puffing away happily all night. Instead I’ll make a note of who’s got fags and keep following them outside for a smoke, like a mild form of stalking.

“To emphasise how I’m wasting your money I’ll take just two or three drags and put it out much too early. I’ll also annoyingly mention how glad I am that I don’t really smoke.”

Fellow occasional smoker Emma Bradford said: “Nothing says ‘part-time festive smoker’ like lighting the filter end and puffing away for a good minute before realising, which is what I’ll be doing.

“Then I’ll ask you for another one. It is the season for giving after all.”