ARE you thrilled that the pandemic has got you out of spending Christmas with your family but don’t want to look like a heartless bastard? Here’s how to pretend you’re incredibly sad about it.
Make a big deal about the sacrifice you’ve made
Hopefully you got in quickly enough to say you were bowing out of family Christmas so your siblings could make up the three-household total with your parents. Pretend it was an agonising decision, even though in reality it took 0.2 seconds to make.
Overspend on presents
You’ve probably saved loads of money this year thanks to Covid, so why not lavish it on presents for the family? They’ll be sent through the post so their entire front room will be full of cardboard, but who gives a f**k as you won’t be there to clear it up.
Assure them you’ll miss watching the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas special
All families have Christmas rituals, usually ones that make 80 per cent of the people present want to slit their wrists. Tell your parents you’ll miss sitting down to an evening of good old-fashioned entertainment when really you’ll be passed out from too much rum and cheese by 6pm.
Organise a Christmas Zoom
It wouldn’t be 2020 without a long, awkward and irritating catch up via laptop. Don’t waste your Christmas Day on it though: pretend to have a dodgy wifi signal after five minutes and get back to enjoying your Christmas lunch of Celebrations and After Eights instead.
Pretend you’ll go on a special holiday together next year
Ensure your family know you love spending time with them by talking up a plan to go on a big holiday together next year. The reality is you’ll never organise it because you’ll spend all your annual leave getting shitfaced in Barcelona with your mates, but they don’t need to know that now.