How to pretend you're gutted about not seeing family this Christmas

ARE you thrilled that the pandemic has got you out of spending Christmas with your family but don’t want to look like a heartless bastard? Here’s how to pretend you’re incredibly sad about it.

Make a big deal about the sacrifice you’ve made

Hopefully you got in quickly enough to say you were bowing out of family Christmas so your siblings could make up the three-household total with your parents. Pretend it was an agonising decision, even though in reality it took 0.2 seconds to make.

Overspend on presents

You’ve probably saved loads of money this year thanks to Covid, so why not lavish it on presents for the family? They’ll be sent through the post so their entire front room will be full of cardboard, but who gives a f**k as you won’t be there to clear it up.

Assure them you’ll miss watching the Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas special

All families have Christmas rituals, usually ones that make 80 per cent of the people present want to slit their wrists. Tell your parents you’ll miss sitting down to an evening of good old-fashioned entertainment when really you’ll be passed out from too much rum and cheese by 6pm.

Organise a Christmas Zoom

It wouldn’t be 2020 without a long, awkward and irritating catch up via laptop. Don’t waste your Christmas Day on it though: pretend to have a dodgy wifi signal after five minutes and get back to enjoying your Christmas lunch of Celebrations and After Eights instead.

Pretend you’ll go on a special holiday together next year

Ensure your family know you love spending time with them by talking up a plan to go on a big holiday together next year. The reality is you’ll never organise it because you’ll spend all your annual leave getting shitfaced in Barcelona with your mates, but they don’t need to know that now.

 

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Britain divided between people who hate family Christmases and idiots

THE UK is divided 50-50 between people who would prefer to spend Christmas day alone or with trusted friends, and idiots who thrive on the stress the day brings.

Tom Logan believes the civil relationship he enjoys with his family is due to not having spent Christmas with them in 12 years.

Logan said: “I don’t want to be force-fed loads of food that’ll be lodged in my intestine for months, or be goaded by my Brexiter brother-in-law after he’s drunk on a whole glass of wine.

“So my wife and I don’t see them. We eat a pizza for Christmas lunch and then spend the day watching telly with no one trying to force us into playing a game of Trivial Pursuit that was purchased in 1986. It’s bliss.”

Logan’s brother-in-law Roy Hobbs said: “We do Christmas properly. Massive lunch that takes hours to prepare and 15 minutes to eat, too much booze and everyone forced to stand for the national anthem after the Queen’s Speech.

“It’s a shame Tom doesn’t come anymore as the day just isn’t the same without a blazing row about politics that leaves someone crying.”