Normal not to feel Christmassy when you're an adult

THE public has been reminded it is totally normal not to feel a magical, tingly feeling near Christmas if you are an adult.

Various factors such as having to pay for presents and family-induced stress mean that grown-ups are not supposed to feel Christmassy, and in fact it would be deeply disturbing if anyone over 18 ever did.

Charlotte Phelps from Reading said: “What’s there to be excited about? Racking up massive credit card debts and enduring the company of your in-laws? Yippee.

“Once you’re old enough to vote, the wonder of Christmas quickly disappears. You start to see it for what it really is: a commercial bastardisation of a religious festival and an annual reminder of how badly your life is going. The only good bit is the food.”

Ryan Whittaker from Sheffield said: “I thought there was something wrong with me the first year I didn’t feel that fuzzy festive sensation. Then I realised I was an adult with a broader understanding of how f**ked up the world is and I started to feel better.

“Of course I’m not feeling Christmassy. I don’t believe in Santa anymore and I know that exchanging gifts won’t solve things like climate change or the Gaza war. It’d take at least four lines of coke to fill me with something approximating Christmas cheer.

“When you’re an adult the only things you feel are tired, confused or horny. Sometimes all three at once, depending on how much you had to drink the night before.”

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Nobody enjoying alternative Christmas playlist

AN alternative Christmas playlist filled with credible indie artists performing cool festive songs is being enjoyed by precisely nobody.

The carefully-assembled playlist includes largely unknown tracks by The Killers, Kate Bush, Sufjan Stevens and Bob Dylan, and has been agreed by all the attendees at a pre-Christmas get-together to be ‘f**king shit’.

Lottie Phelps said: “I would have said I couldn’t think of anything worse than hearing that bloody Slade song again. Until this.

“Julian Casablancas, The Knife, Phoenix, Low, Eels? I like the bands but please stop. I can’t believe I’m saying this but get that Leona Lewis one on. Compared to these dirges it’s a tune.

“Like a lot of things around this time of year, the sentiment is wonderful but what we’ve actually received is a load of unwanted shite. Put aside your 6Music pretensions. Play the classics.

“And Fairytale of New York’s on it? That can’t be an alternative Christmas song, because it’s actually good.”

Host Tom Booker said: “You don’t understand. I can’t play those other songs. I used to work in retail.”