Pint, fight, pint pint fight: How to have a traditional Black Eye Friday

IT’S the most aggressive day of the year, but how do you have a traditional Black Eye Friday that’s both violent and festive? Here’s a guide to this magical drunken event.

Open your Black Eye Friday presents

Just like Christmas, Black Eye Friday begins with the traditional opening of presents. Unlike Christmas though, these aren’t delivered by a benevolent supernatural being who’s been keeping a close eye on your behaviour. No, they’re a six-pack of Tennents Super you picked up from the petrol station last night. And the opening doesn’t involve tearing off wrapping paper but prising up a ring pull. 

Go for a seasonal stagger

Once you’re pissed up, it’s time to go for a joyous Black Eye Friday stagger to a heaving local pub. On the way you’ll likely bump into other revellers celebrating the special day, so don’t forget to greet them in the appropriate manner by telling them to ‘Back the f**k off, mate’ or asking them ‘if they want some’. If you’re lucky you might even get into a scrap before reaching your destination.

Pint, fight, pint pint fight

The celebrations really get underway when you’re at the pub and you’ve necked a dozen more pints. Just as Christmas Day is punctuated by traditions like the King’s Speech and a big roast dinner, Black Eye Friday wouldn’t feel complete without a slap-up spread of a drink followed by a punch up, then a couple more pints and a brawl. If you don’t come away from the night with a black eye and a missing tooth, you’re not getting into the spirit of it.

Puke on a paramedic

The emergency services will rock up at some point in the revelry to drag away lightweights. If you’ve paced yourself and managed not to get knocked out, you’ll be able to indulge in the merry Black Eye Friday game of vomiting all over a paramedic as they try to check you’ve not got fatal alcohol poisoning. If they don’t report you to the police, you win.

Pass out in the street

You’ll be tired after a long day of getting pissed and punching innocent strangers, but don’t worry about forking out for a pricey taxi to take you home. Instead, just gently keel over on the nearest, most comfortable looking bit of pavement and get some shut-eye. With any luck you’ll be magically transported to a hospital bed, ready to do it all over again to a lesser extent on Black Eye Friday Boxing Day.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mum buys sequinned outfit to wear to living room

A RETIRED mum has bought a brand-new shiny outfit for the grand occasion of sitting in her own living room.

Susan Traherne, 62, spent a number of weeks before Christmas finding the perfect top to wow her immediate family members with. 

Traherne’s daughter Clare said: “She buys a new, nearly identical Christmas outfit every year. Never wears it anywhere else. 

“It’s lovely that she wants to make it special, but to be brutally honest it’s no different to any other visit, except we give them some Celebrations and a pair of gardening gloves.

“Last time she asked me if I ran out of time to buy something to wear myself. Sorry, Mum, but I’m not sure it’s really worth buying a little Prada number for a cup of tea and a Mr Kipling slice.

“I wouldn’t mind but she always takes it off by 8pm to ‘get in her comfies’. I’m just slightly baffled by the whole thing.”

Susan Traherne said: “I’ll definitely be going to the January sales. I need something different for when we stay in on New Year’s Eve.”