Seeing people fall over on ice rink best Winter Wonderland attraction

SEEING smug people fall over on an ice rink is the highlight of ‘Winter Wonderlands’, it has been confirmed. 

The spectacle is more popular than observation wheels and overpriced mulled wine, and almost makes the tedium of queuing to get in worthwhile.

Attendee Nikki Hollis said: “Winter Wonderlands are everything that’s wrong with Christmas. But I endure them on the off-chance I’ll see some tosser faceplant themselves after attempting a pirouette.

“And it’s not just me. My kids race through their trip to Santa’s grotto and only give Cirque Beserk a cursory glance as they drag me towards the ice rink.

“Seeing their little faces light up as they watch another victim stumble over and chip a tooth is like looking at something out of a Christmas card.”

Fellow visitor Donna Sheridan said: “The best ones are where it’s a couple on their first date, and instead of being something cute they can laugh about and bond over it’s just really awkward.

“I’m surprised the organisers don’t promote it more, but I’m glad they don’t because it would become mawkish and commercial like the rest of the holiday.”

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Watching someone correctly load dishwasher is biggest turn-on ever

WATCHING your partner load the dishwasher in the correct way is the sexiest thing ever, it has been confirmed.

Research has shown that the ability to stack crockery and cutlery the right way, as opposed to just shoving everything the hell in, is extremely arousing.

Emma Bradford, 33, said: “Last night my boyfriend actually rinsed off the plates before loading them up and managed to fit more than three items in the top shelf.

“There wasn’t even anything left to ‘soak’ in the sink. I have never wanted him more.”

Bradford’s partner Steve said: “No sooner had I closed the dishwasher door than she was all over me. I had no idea I was so desirable to women.

“Although I think it’s much sexier if someone manages to cook dinner without using every single pot and pan in the kitchen.

“Or maybe if they bothered to put a new toilet roll on the actual toilet roll holder. Just once. That would do it for me.”