Have you been burgled or have you just hosted a 'play date'?

IF your home has been turned over it could be a burglary or you may have hosted a ‘play date’ for four-year-olds. Take our test and find out.

The house has a weird smell. How would you describe it? 

A) Testosterone and sweat. 

B) Musty quick-cook pasta farts.  

The rooms in the house have…

A) Been ransacked and are missing valuable items.

B) Been ransacked and are decorated with crude felt-tip drawings of stick figures.

You do a stock-take of missing items in the house. What has been taken?

A) Electrical goods and jewellery.

B) Sugary items, plasters and all of your toilet roll.

You’re feeling uneasy. Why is this? 

A) Someone you don’t know has been in your house.

B) You’ve been taking requests for ‘more biscuits’ for three hours straight.  

Your mind is racing. What is the cause?

A) You’re working what to do next.

B) You’ve just listened to ‘Do You Want To Build A Snowman’ 30 times and it’s damaged your brain.

Mostly As: You’ve been burgled. Call the police but flush your drugs away first.  

Mostly Bs: You’ve hosted a play date. If the smell is still lingering after two hours you have a poo behind your sofa.

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The aspirational couple's guide to a stupidly expensive Christmas

ARE you a couple who think Christmas is mainly about demonstrating how much money you’ve got? Here are some ideas.

Buy abnormally costly presents 

For most people an expensive present usually means a nice watch or jewellery that isn’t from Elizabeth Duke. Not for you – get your partner a car, or, if you’re a bit nouveau, matching cars.

Insist that every detail is perfect

The tree must be big, the mince pies Waitrose at the very least, and the upmarket decorations perfectly positioned. If Christmas is costing you a bomb AND giving you stress migraines, your preparations are going splendidly!

Have a Christmas break that is totally unlike Christmas

Go somewhere like a luxury resort in the Bahamas where you will have none of the experiences that actually make Christmas Christmas, eg. on Christmas Day go scuba diving followed by rum cocktails on the beach and a grilled swordfish meal.

Put your Christmas on Facebook

There’s no point in spending all that money unless it’s dutifully posted on Facebook. You’ll get loads of ‘likes’, by which people actually mean ‘rot in Hell you ostentatious swine’.

Expensive everything 

Part of the joy of Christmas is stuff like crackers with a rubbish plastic magnifying glass inside. Avoid this tacky fun with ones containing quality gifts like a miniature hip flask that will make guests feel unsuccessful and poor.